Oh! I don't actually need to put a disclaimer on this, it's entirely mine! Force of habit I guess. Comments welcome as always.Letter from a bus depot.
Hiya Honey,
By the time you get this I'll be half-way across the country.
God, that sounds cheesy and melodramatic. And more accurately it should be 'by the time you get back from your business trip...' Don't panic, there's nothing wrong and I'm fine, I just thought I'd spend a few days with Fran.
So if nothing's wrong, what am I doing half-way across the country with no warning? OK, you've got me there, I'll 'fess up. I need some time away. It's been ages since I've had a holiday, and I know I don't actually do anything that needs a break, like work, but - I just need some time. I think after 12 years I know you well enough to know you're thinking, 'What the..? Why didn't you say something?'. I couldn't, I honestly couldn't. I tried putting it into words, I practiced in front of the mirror and everything, but the reasons I had for needing a break sounded so lame, so inconsequential that I couldn't bring myself to voice them in case you thought I was being selfish and stupid. I know, I know, I should've had more faith in you but communication has never been my strong point. But I'm going to try now. (I've got to admit that I'm gritting my teeth here, forcing myself to write this stuff down, despite how uncomfortable it's making me feel. It's the written equivalent of me ripping my clothes off in the middle of the high street at lunch-time and yelling, 'Look at me! Look at me!' Too revealing for comfort.)
'Inconsequential'. Interesting word, it pretty much sums up how I feel at the moment. You're a space-buff, I'll try an analogy. Imagine you're a planet (please don't laugh) like Jupiter; you're big, and colourful, noticeable, you're so there; and I'm just a lump of featureless rock that orbits you, only distinguishable because of my association with you. Does that make sense? I'm known as your partner, not as myself. I feel like I've lost myself somewhere along the way. It's my fault, ultimately, I let this happen. I've thought for a long time about where I went wrong. I'll make a list shall I?
- I gave up work. After we got married, you got that promotion. It meant we only really needed the one income, but the extra demands put on you by work meant your leisure time was so much more precious. We did discuss it and the reasons I gave for giving up my job are still valid. If I stayed home and dealt with all the domestic stuff you could concentrate on doing the job you loved. Made sense, if you were happy, you took less time off work etc etc.
And it's not as if I liked my work, it was no hardship giving it up and becoming a 'lady of leisure'. At first I really enjoyed not working, spending my time making a home for us. I took real pride in having a lovely house and garden and I got such a kick when people came over and complimented us on the house - and you'd say 'I had nothing to do with this - I just pay for it all!' Which brings me to my next mistake.
- I made you dependent on me. I took charge of everything to do with the house, and all the time I was cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, organising everything, I was chipping away at your independence. Not intentionally, I didn't realise it until it'd got to the stage where you couldn't find your socks unless they were clean and already in the drawer. I made myself indispensable but in doing so I turned you from my partner into my child. I am so sorry for that.
- I didn't tell you. Even when I finally realised what was happening, I never said anything. I was just hoping it'd sort itself out. I'm such a coward, I couldn't bear to confront you with any of it. Instead I just let it fester and I got more and more resentful; and because I let it get to the stage where I wasn't going to be able to say anything without becoming emotional and incoherent, I just shut up, about everything except the most trivial things. The wife of one of your work colleagues asked me the other day what I did with myself when you were at work. It brought me up short. She sounded so condescending, like 'how did I amuse myself before my real life begins'. I couldn't answer her and it scared me. What do I do with myself? Nothing at all. Sure, I've got friends, we do stuff but it's not important. I realised I just mark time until you're around, and for the first time I could feel my life slipping away with nothing to show for it. A nice home is all very well, but it's not enough. I've spent so long being there for you, working my life around yours, making your needs my first priority, I don't know what my own needs are any more or if I even have any. There are times I really dislike you, not hate you, never that, but I get really pissed off with you for seeming to accept my subservience as your due. Yeah, it's nuts I know. Looking back on it now, how could you know what I was feeling if I didn't tell you? Alright then.I am unhappy.
There, I've said it. I'm unhappy and I have been for a very long time. Did you think I was happy? Did I give that impression? I tried to keep my problems to myself. You did notice, you're not a self-centered bastard, but every time you asked me what was wrong I brushed it off as 'nothing' and changed the subject. After a while you stopped asking.
So, I'm not happy. How do I fix it? What do I want?
Quite simply, I don't know. Something's missing but I don't know what. I want to find out before I lose much more time.
That's why I'm going away for a while, I need to think and, god help me, I need to be selfish for a bit. I'm not your mother, or your secretary, I can't do everything for you anymore. I need to let you be a grown-up, and I need to grow-up myself.There's a blue plastic box on the kitchen table. Everything you need to keep the house running is in there - including the instruction manual for the washing machine. If you can program the VCR you can work out how to wash your clothes, and iron them - just make sure you read the instructions before you use something, ok? Most of the bills are direct-debited so you won't need to worry about them, just keep putting your money into the account and don't go nuts overspending or you'll find yourself with no electricity. There's plenty of food in the fridge and freezer so you've got a few days before you need to brave the supermarket!
Tiddles - Prince of Cats (I still giggle over that) will be fine, I've asked Maureen to look after him 'til you get back. You're his human after all, not me, he won't miss me - I'm just the one that feeds him, lets him in/out, cleans the cat-tray etc. There's plenty of food for him too and I'm sure he'll show you where it is if you can't find it. I'm glad we don't have kids, this would be so much more complicated!
Do you want children? Do I? It's a subject we've sort of skipped over.Anyway, the bus will be leaving soon, I'd better finish up so I can post this before I have to get going. I'll call you when I get to Fran's - I'm going to miss you something chronic. I love you, I will be back.
I promise. xxx
© 2001 July Amanda Birchill
© 2001-2005 WaveWrights
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