Ghosts pt 2
Midwinter's day - or night, to be more accurate - and Mahrayne, wrapped snugly in a fur cloak, sat alone on her balcony in the snow storm. She'd been in the Alien Quarter all day, since sunsrise, celebrating the 'Turning of the Year' with the Muruanians. It had been a lively, boisterous affair, with dozens of Muru's - mostly Ordiff's relatives it seemed - congregating at the woodcarver's dwelling for a day-long feast and some heroic drinking. Mahrayne had been very pleased to receive the invitation to the celebrations; Peruro and Dignusia had been tantalising her with descriptions of the preparations for days. The Muruanians were a sociable people, very likeable, and they'd been immensely flattered to have an alien in their midst who could speak their language - Mahrayne had learnt a lot about their culture over the day.
Zyelenyi had been at the celebration too, the young male looking more and more tousled as the day progressed and Peruro and Dignusia kept dragging him off to their room for sex. Mahrayne grinned to herself: that three-way relationship had progressed nicely since Dignusia had decided to join in. They all got on well, the females were happy to share Zyelenyi with each other, and he was apparently happy, if frequently exhausted, with the attention.
Mahrayne had been on Vejiitasei a year now.
Only a year? It seemed longer. So much had happened it felt like she'd lived a lifetime amongst these aliens - so many things that wouldn't have come to pass if she'd not left Hassina. Underneath the fur Mahrayne stroked her distended abdomen and smiled softly; less than fifty days to go, Vinas estimated, and she'd be holding her son, her child, the one thing she'd wanted more than anything else her whole life. Mahrayne glanced down at the prominent bulge defined under the fur and her smile turned fondly rueful. She was only carrying one child, and she was nowhere near as big as Leteetza, or even Zha'haabron, had got with their twins, but gods she would be glad when her baby was born! He was so active, hardly ever still, seeming to be as impatient to be born as she was to birth him, and he was heavy, anchoring her firmly to the earth with the solid weight of him. It had been days since Mahrayne'd been able to dance at all, and despite the cold it took twice the effort to move around now than it had during the height of the hot season. Mahrayne's grin faded, there was another reason why she hadn't danced recently - Kelapa had left her thirty-seven days ago.
The Hassinan closed her eyes, riding out the wave of keening grief she felt every time she thought of the Saiyan. She missed Kel more than she could articulate, it hurt worse than when Genesia had died. Mahrayne felt as if she was only half alive without her lover, a part of her arid and empty, but it had come as a shock to realise that the emptiness had always been there. Kelapa had gone some way to filling it, but with her leaving, Mahrayne found herself staring into a confusingly familiar hollowness.
Mahrayne wanted Kel back, needed the Saiyan in some inexplicable way. She had, in fact set out dozens of times to talk to her lover, but every time she'd been pulled up short by a nebulous something, the same something that had prevented her from killing herself when Genesia died, and now it was telling her to wait…
Wait for what, for fuck's sake? She needed Kel now!
Mahrayne blinked back tears; she ached without the Saiyan, but if it wasn't the right time for them to be together… she'd just have to be patient.
Mahrayne dragged her thoughts away from Kelapa, thinking instead of her mate. Zorun had been extraordinarily patient with her. She knew he believed she should be living with him, but so far he hadn't pushed the issue. Mahrayne fervently hoped he wouldn't ask her, she didn't think he'd like the answer. Sometimes she thought it would be lovely to be with him all the time, but in truth, Mahrayne didn't think it would work. She was comfortable having lots of people around constantly, he wasn't, they would be bound to clash on that at least. And what if she went to live with him and they found they were ultimately incompatible? He was, after all, a male, and though she hated to admit it, she was still uncomfortable with the thought of him being there all the time.
Mahrayne sighed; but was it fair though, for her to stay with the family when she was so unhappy? They had enough concerns to tax them already without adding her problems to it. Maybe she should move out of the suite…
A small tap on the window behind her shook Mahrayne out of her reverie. She glanced over her shoulder and smiled at 'tiisaan, the sleepy zn'hre yawning as he indicated that she should come inside now. Mahrayne nodded at him and he beamed beatifically at her before sliding back into bed. She used the balcony's railing to help haul herself to her feet, shaking her head ruefully: being able to move freely was something she'd never take for granted ever again.
Mahrayne didn't go inside straight away though…
She wasn't really sure why she did it, but every night before she went to sleep, every night since Kelapa had left, Mahrayne called to the Saiyan - the same way she spoke to her child - putting all her love, and longing and regret into the call. Mahrayne stood silently in the snow, as always, poised and waiting for something, some response - and, as always, had to smile sadly at her foolishness. She wasn't telepathic, there was no way Kelapa could hear her… But still, there was a sort of comfort for her in the nightly ritual. It was if, even though she couldn't speak to Kelapa at the moment, she was still, in some way, communicating with her. Mahrayne sighed, she'd spent enough time out here being maudlin, it was time to sleep: miserable as she was, life went on and the family still needed her - she wouldn't be any help to them if she was over-tired.
The next morning, under Zh'leet's watchful eye, Mahrayne managed to drink two full beakers of the meaty glop even though she wasn't hungry. She'd lost interest in food recently - which wasn't unusual in a Hassinan pregnancy anyway - but Ayva had insisted she keep eating as normally as possible, dangling over her head the threat of a surgical delivery if she didn't do as she was told. Mahrayne understood the need for sustenance, this pregnancy was taking a heavy toll of her body, but she resented, just a little, the way her will was being summarily overridden by those around her. It was as if they - they primarily being Zh'leet, Ayva and even Leteetza and Zorun to some extent - considered her to be a wilful child, not to be trusted with her own care.
Mahrayne had to admit, grudgingly, that they had a point.
She knew if she was left to her own devices currently, she wouldn't voluntarily eat, or drink, or move - she'd do nothing but sleep, because in sleep was forgetfulness. Well, forgetfulness of a sort. She may be able to ignore her problems on Vejiitasei while she was asleep, but there were always the disturbing dreams, the details of which she could never remember when she woke, but that she knew involved Hassina.
Mahrayne forced the bleakness back inside while she chatted lightly with 'tiisaan and Buahan, the little prince and princess as happy to monopolize her attention over the morning meal as they were to share her bed every night she was in the suite. Buahan was particularly happy today, she would be talking to Pirum later when Mahrayne had finished tutoring the young Hassinan. And Mahrayne had to smile as she listened to 'tiisaan chatter on about a costume design; the young zn'hre was happy with his life and he basked in just being, it was soothing having him around. Gods knew they all needed soothing at the moment.
Twenty days ago, Radittsu and Merica had gone off-planet - something to do with the conflict, Mahrayne was hazy on the details. They'd returned a couple of days later but both of them had been taken straight to the medical facility. Merica was out in a day or two and able to spend a little time with his bondmate before he left again, but it was twelve days before Radittsu could return to the suite. Mahrayne shuddered to think how much damage would have had to have been inflicted on the big male to put him out of commission for so long. The suite had felt oddly empty without Radittsu: it was as though the Saiyan had some essence, some vitality that touched them all, and the absence of it left them feeling bereft. Everyone missed him to some extent while he was in the medical centre, but none more so than his bondmate. The High King was as serene and composed, as efficient as ever, but there was a fragility about him that was heart-rending to see. It hadn't helped, either, that Zha'haabron's duties had kept him from being with his bondmate and hostlings as much as he would have liked. And even now that the still weak and recovering Saiyan was back in the suite being cosseted by the family, Mahrayne could easily read the guilt the High King still felt about not spending time with them.
Mahrayne's glance strayed over to Ti'aasaan and Jagung, sitting close together on the floor beside Zha'haabron. She'd finally found out what had been bothering the little zn'hre. Ti'aasaan had apparently, inadvertently, formed a bond with Jagung - the same sort of bond Hijau and Zha'haarak, and Radittsu and Zha'haabron shared. The little zn'hre had tried to explain it to Mahrayne the morning he told her he wouldn't be sharing her bed anymore. Mahrayne'd been genuinely happy for Ti'aasaan, hugging him tightly and allaying his guilt about 'abandoning' her.
"While I am profoundly grateful for the consolation you've given me," Mahrayne had said, kissing his smooth cheek "it would be selfish of me to keep you away from your own chance at happiness. Though I do envy you." she'd confided to him, gently brushing the zn'hre's pale green hair away from his face.
"Why?" Ti'aasaan was curious.
Mahrayne smiled, a little sadly. "I envy all of you that closeness -" she spread her fingertips lightly over his temple, "- you have with your partners." Her voice cracked on that last word, and despite her best intentions, Mahrayne burst into tears, feeling scoured anew by the unbearable loneliness. Ti'aasaan had held her then, his large golden eyes filled with sympathetic tears, until Mahrayne pushed him away, chuckling deprecatingly at herself and repeating her mother's words about her 'wasting her life wishing for things that couldn't be'.
Ti'aasaan had moved into the Guards' suite downstairs, and while he was missed at night - Ti'aasaan was usually in the family's suite during the day - it looked as though things were going well for him. Merica was off-planet again - he'd been gone for fifteen days now - so Ti'aasaan and Jagung had temporarily moved back in with the family. They slept amongst everyone else on the sleeping platform, which made Ti'aasaan very happy, but Mahrayne got the impression that Jagung wasn't entirely comfortable.
The morning meal was over and the children clattered off to their various activities - the hostlings and heirs to the classroom, 'ani and 'leen heading off somewhere with Jeice. Mahrayne was hugged enthusiastically by 'tiisaan, Buahan and 'ani, and she laughed when she was almost knocked over by 'haavok and 'honee's combined assault.
Mahrayne watched the children leave the suite; despite the outward appearance of normalcy, the younglings were as disturbed by the recent events as the adults were.
Dari and Tane arrived to tend Zha'haarak, and Mahrayne greeted them with a smile. She was still friendly with the healers, and yes, the desire for them was still there, but she hadn't gone near the twins since Kelapa had left. Mahrayne was grateful though, for Dari's help in settling her baby, honestly she didn't know if she'd have been able to cope without the young female's soothing intervention.
Mahrayne spent the morning teaching Za'rayne and Ra'vahn some of the more complicated word games - the hybrids were absorbing knowledge at an amazing rate - and helping Leteetza with her double handful. Mahrayne chuckled as she and Leteetza pulled the tussling babies apart, again; even at this young age they seemed to like nothing better than to try and dominate each other! To Mahrayne's eyes, 'dittsu and 'jiita were the incarnation of the Saiya-jin spirit – not completely surprising considering their parentage…
"No, Kel," Kyuri coolly regarded the agitated female standing to attention in front of her, "I'm not even going to pass it on to Hijau."
"Why the fuck not?" Kelapa scowled.
"Because he's not going to approve your request for transferral to the Off-World forces either."
"But - "
"No buts, warrior," Kyuri growled and Kel dragged herself to attention again. "You are needed here and your personal problems have no relevance to the matter!"
The older female's tail snapped irritably from side to side but she didn’t say anything. Kyuri sighed. She couldn't understand why Kel didn't just go back to her lover, both of them were eating their hearts out over this.
"I spoke to Mahrayne the other day." Kyuri said, not looking directly at the older female.
"Oh?" Kel's tone was frosty, but her scent… The yearning in the female's scent brought a lump to Kyuri's throat; she swallowed and continued.
"She misses you."
An understatement: the alien female was shattered, but - Kyuri had to admire her - she wasn't letting that get in the way of her responsibilities.
"If she misses me so much why doesn't she come to me?" Kel growled. "I'm not going to her."
"She can barely move, Kel!" Kyuri said with some amusement.
"That's not my fault!" Kelapa snapped, then shut her mouth firmly. The deputy captain suppressed a sigh; Kelapa had a number of things to work through about her relationship with Mahrayne, not the least of which was her continuing resentment towards her lover's mate.
"You're dismissed, Guardsman."
Kel saluted her and turned to leave.
"Kel - " Kyuri, acting on impulse, called softly after her. The older guard, her spine stiff with anger, glanced back over her shoulder at her superior officer. "Will you join me for the evening meal? My quarters?"
Kel relaxed fractionally, and half-smirked at the younger female.
"Yes. Thanks."
After Kel had left, Kyuri poured herself a beaker of ale, and sat for a few moments, deep in thought. She and Kel had been spending a lot of time together recently and it was because of that Kyuri had gone to see Mahrayne; she felt the alien at least deserved to know what was happening with her lover. The deputy Captain hadn't really known what reaction to expect from the Hassinan, acceptance, maybe - Kel had told her about Mahrayne's apparent lack of jealousy and possessiveness - but she'd found the alien's gratitude odd. It couldn't have been that Mahrayne was happy her lover was fucking someone else, could it? It had taken Kyuri a little while to pin down the Hassinan's scent, but she'd eventually come to the realisation that Mahrayne was glad Kelapa wasn't alone. Kyuri sighed, and drained her drink before turning her attention to the ever-present pile of paperwork - she hoped the pair of them got this sorted out soon, for their own sakes.
A wakeful Mahrayne lay next to her sleeping mate, cuddled into the crook of his arm, her head resting on his shoulder. Physically, she was quite comfortable for a change, her body relaxed and tingling from their lovemaking, and it was blessedly cooler here - with the cold weather the family's suite was being kept as hot as a lava flow for the comfort of the zn'hre. But it was so quiet in Zorun's quarters with just the two of them, there was no clamour, no distraction from her thoughts.
Mahrayne gently stroked her palm across Zorun's broad chest, needing the extra contact but not wanting to wake him. She hadn't seen a lot of her mate since the start of the conflict - the Saiya-jin-no-Ou was 'in conference' until all hours and Zorun's place was with his King - but when he did manage to get some time to see her, he always seemed so… tense; he needed to rest. Zorun stirred in his sleep, his ebony tail coiling a little tighter around her thigh as he rolled over onto his side, facing her, wrapping his other arm around her body. Mahrayne snuggled into his comforting warmth, feeling both grateful, and guilty.
It wasn’t fair on Zorun, but she missed Kel so much she just couldn't seem to focus on her mate as she used to. He had to realise she wasn't completely there for him, but so far he hadn't said anything. Mahrayne bit her lip, feeling miserable and wretched; she didn’t deserve Zorun, she hadn't deserved Kel… To her disgust, Mahrayne's fragile control on her emotions slipped and she - silently, at least - began to cry again.
"'rayne?"
Mahrayne twitched at Zorun's sleep-rumbled enquiry.
"It's nothing, dherrum," she consciously modulated her tone to one of soothing gentleness, while furtively trying to wipe her eyes, "go back to sleep."
Zorun was silent for a few moments, his breathing deep and steady, then he sighed and pressed her to him, brushing a kiss over the top of her head.
"I understand how you feel… about Kelapa."
"I'm sorry," Mahrayne whispered tremulously, "I try not to let it affect me when I'm with you but -"
"I appreciate the effort you're making, hanabira," Zorun's broad hand stroked soothingly down her spine, and Mahrayne squeezed her eyes shut, loathing this awful self-pitying state she'd sunk into. Strong, blunt fingers under her chin gently forced her to raise her head and look at her mate.
"It will take time," Zorun said softly, "but it will get better."
Mahrayne clamped down on her immediate, instinctive reaction to his statement - which was a vehement denial that it wasn't going to need to get better because Kel would be coming back - nodding defeatedly instead.
"I know." she whispered.
The reality was that Kel might not come back, in which case she'd have to deal with her loss as she'd dealt with Genesia's death. Zorun was right though, it would take time, but eventually the pain would fade. Mahrayne tucked her head back under his chin, feeling resolute - in the meantime she had to get on with her life; not only did she have her mate to consider, there was her child as well.
Zorun was silent again and Mahrayne thought he'd gone back to sleep, it was a surprise when he spoke.
"I understand how you feel," her mate's low voice was threaded with something – sadness or anger, Mahrayne couldn't be sure which, if either – "I lost someone I was... close to." The big male's body was tense against hers.
"A long time ago." his voice was expressionless now. "They were killed."
"Oh, Zorun..."
Mahrayne was at a loss for words; she knew so little about her mate and she was touched that he'd shared this, obviously very private thing, with her. Mahrayne ruthlessly suppressed her curiosity, wriggling closer to the male, wrapping her arms around his heavy frame, her desire to comfort him blotting out her own misery for the time being.
After several days the mood in the suite was a little lighter. The war was going well – if the death of more of your enemy's forces than your own could be said to be a good thing, Mahrayne thought a little sourly – but Jeice and the almost fully recovered Radittsu would be leaving them tomorrow. The Saiya-jin-no-Ou had formally asked for the ex-slave's services the day after mid-winter, giving the alien plenty of time to prepare himself, and the ex-Captain was going along as part of his escort.
The little hash'shavven was going to Omani to - Mahrayne frowned, she hadn't really followed the conversation – be an ambassador of sorts to his people? Did that mean the Omanir were going to let their slaves go? Or would there be more fighting? Mahrayne shuddered; she'd tried to find out exactly what had been happening during the conflict, and the little she'd discovered was enough to give her nightmares. She just couldn't conceive of violence on this level, the idea was completely abhorrent, alien, to her. Death by impersonal, natural forces, like accidents and disease, was one thing, but to deliberately kill someone else, for no reason other than they were opposed to you… She just couldn't comprehend it.
Leteetza had tried to explain it to her.
"What if – " the little female said, "how would you feel if someone wanted to kill you, or your baby?"
Mahrayne paled. "But why would they want to?"
"Just imagine they do," Leteetza ground her teeth at the blank look on the Hassinan's face. "Try this. They're... insane, and they want to kill you –"
"But if they're insane, you can't hold them responsible for their actions –"
"It doesn't matter!" Leteetza exploded and Mahrayne jumped. The Saiyan took several deep breaths. "Just – go along with me on this, 'rayne, right?"
Mahrayne nodded, chewing her lip as she tried to concentrate on what her friend was saying.
"Someone wants to kill you – " Leteetza growled warningly when the Hassinan went to speak - Mahrayne quickly clamped shut her mouth. "They want to kill your brat. How would that make you feel?"
"Terrified." Mahrayne's dark golden eyes were wide as she unconsciously wrapped her arms protectively around her abdomen.
"Would you want to stop them trying to kill you and your child?"
"I – don't know," Mahrayne frowned, "I think so. But how could I stop them? I'd be more likely to try and run away."
Leteetza persevered. "What if you can't run away?"
"But then – "
"How would you stop them killing you?" the female was pushing, insistent, and Mahrayne was close to tears of frustration at this point, she just couldn't see what Leteetza was getting at.
"If there was no other option you'd stop them," the Saiyan said with a fierce, quiet conviction, "by fighting back."
"Fighting back?" Mahrayne echoed faintly, "How? I wouldn't know where to begin –"
Leteetza touched her fingertips to the delicate skin between the Hassinan's breasts:
"By finding that spark of anger, defiance, inside you." The Saiyan's green eyes glinted with a goading, savage challenge, "How dare they try to harm your child!"
Mahrayne trembled, remembering her physical reaction to her parents' threat to her baby. She'd been scared, and angry, and while her first instinct was to run and hide, she could recognize now the deeply-buried desire to hurt those that would have hurt her cub. She glanced down at her hands, aghast – she could almost see the blood dripping from her fingers...
"'rayne? Are you all right?"
Mahrayne looked up from her hands into Leteetza's concerned face, and burst into tears.
"I'm sorry," the little female immediately pulled her into a tight hug, "I didn't mean to upset you, I wanted to try and help you understand."
"I think I do, now." Mahrayne said in a voice that sounded as if it had no connection to her.
The Hassinan, Mahrayne suspected, weren't an aggressive people because they'd never been the target of aggression. That and they expended so much energy simply surviving there was no leisure for something so unproductive as aggression. But what would happen when they left Hassina? What if life was easier for them on another planet? Would her people eventually develop the capacity for aggression and violence? Would they need to?
The evening before Jeice's departure, during the meal, the hash'shavven made a quiet announcement. Jeice gazed around earnestly at the family, his pretty face shadowed - he had a request to make of them.
"I would very much like," he said, almost shyly, "for everyone to sleep on the platform tonight." He included Mahrayne in his glance and she found herself nodding even though she'd fully intended to sleep in her own room as usual.
The children clustered around Jeice in the bath that night; none of the adults made a move to interfere. This was the youngsters' opportunity to say goodbye to their friend - the adults would get their chance later. Mahrayne looked over at Zha'haabron and Radittsu and felt sad - they were saying their own, private, farewells. The bondmates were making love, the beautiful zn'hre sitting in the Saiyan's lap, fondling his tail while Radittsu thrust gently up into him, the intensity of their feelings for each other written clearly on the faces, and in the way they held each other. It was beautiful to watch, but their obvious closeness sent a spear of pain through the Hassinan's heart.
And finally it was time for bed. Mahrayne had been prepared to snuggle down with the children, staying out of the way of the inevitable love-making, but Ti'aasaan - after a quick glance at his bondmate - held out his hand to her, his pale golden eyes shining warmly with affection…
Mahrayne hadn't had sex with anyone but Zorun since Kel had left and making love with Ti'aasaan, and Leteetza, was a balm to her now. She stopped herself from taking up too much of their time, though, they both needed to say their own farewells to Radittsu and Jeice.
Mahrayne slid gently into the space 'tiisaan and Buahan had left between them for her, smiling softly when the pair automatically, and without waking, snuggled into her warmth. She felt lighter, calmer than she had for a long time, the ache assuaged just a little. Mahrayne closed her eyes, slipping away into sleep accompanied by the soft sounds of Radittsu and Jeice being cherished.
© 2002 September 30th Amanda Mullane
