Disclaimer: As always – not mine, and I'm not profiting from the use.

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Missives

Severus.

In the past I've felt sorry for you, I've been angry with you but never until now have I hated you.

What have you done!?

S.

      Albus' funeral was today. It was very moving. Pity you missed it.
      But then I suppose it was probably good that you didn't make an appearance, not with half the wizarding world ready to blast you to ash.
      Gods, I miss Dumbledore already. I keep expecting him to turn up and offer me a lolly. And Fawkes? Merlin's Beard, Fawkes… he sang and I thought my heart was going to break.

It's late and I've been drinking, because I don't know what else to do.
Tonks held my hand today and I had no reason to stop her. 'I can't hold your hand,' I didn't say, ''cause I'm in love with Snape.'

… Ah shit, I must be pissed. Never ever meant to admit that.

Oh what the hell. I didn't send the last letter - I'm not likely to send this one either. I love you, you prick, or I loved you but now…

Happy? You've well and truly fucked everything up.

Definitely pissed. I usually only swear when we're fucking.
No. Can't think about that. Hurts too much.
BastardbastardBASTARD.

S.

The Prophet's been full of Albus' death for a couple of days now. It's… sickening. They go over and over what happened – or what they think happened. Taking what Harry's supposed to have said and then speculating wildly.
      No doubt tomorrow the rag'll be full of even more pictures of everyone mourning the 'most beloved Wizard of our age'. Can you believe it? After months of harassing Dumbledore with the 'barmy old codger' stories NOW he's 'the most beloved Wizard of our age'. Bloody hypocrites.

Why? Why did you do it? I don't understand! I want to understand, damn you!

I couldn't have misread you so completely, could I?

Please excuse my appalling hand writing. That was the first full moon in I don't know how long I've had to endure without Wolfsbane.

Oh, and I'm sure you'll be happy to know that Tonks and I are engaged.

I really want to hate you but right now I just don't have the energy.

The engagement party was held at the Weasleys today. Molly outdid herself with the food and everyone was so pleased for Tonks and I. And Tonks…? I swear she was glowing, with happiness I assume. I don't know why, I'm not worth it. The weather held fine for the select guest list - and it was a very select list. Our mutual acquaintances, and friends, number only a handful now. Besides, Molly thought it best not to make a big fuss – and Tonks agreed – the marriage of an auror and a dangerous dark creature is hardly likely to attract positive attention.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I should be happy, shouldn't I? Tonks is lovely, she'll be a wonderful, caring companion…
      You're right, I should've told her ages ago I wasn't interested. Oh well, it's too late now. I can only promise myself I'll do my utmost to repay her make her happy.

I haven't felt this wretched in a long time. It's the sort of despair that even copious amounts of alcohol won't touch – and oh yes, I've tried. We're floundering without Albus. Minerva is doing her best to rally us but she's so heartsick herself…

I still can't bring myself to hate you. I think I'm reserving that rage until I find out why you did what you did. When Harry starts in on you, quietly – or not so quietly - vowing bloody vengeance I want to vomit. It's not that I disagree with him but his righteous anger is too pure. I keep wanting to urge him to caution. I did, once, and he turned on me, wanting to know why I wasn't baying for your blood as well. He apologised immediately – believe it or not Harry's maturing into a fair-minded and compassionate young man – but he made me feel like a traitor. I realised I'm utterly neutral in any discussion of you and it won't be long before my lack of enthusiasm will be noted, I'm sure. I do want justice for Albus but…I can't help playing devil's advocate.

Merlin's beard! Do you even deserve the right to defend yourself?

Are you still alive? Is Draco? Have you gone back to Smarmy-fuck Malfoy? Are you fucking him now?
      Yes I'm pissed. Again. It seems to be the easiest way to cope with… everything. The wedding's organised. Any responsibility for the arrangements was taken out of my half-hearted hands very quickly. Molly really wants this wedding to go ahead. "It'll be good for morale," she says. "We all need something to celebrate."
      I'm a coward – I can't stand up to one determined witch. But it's easier to just… go with the flow.
      Tonks is beginning to ask questions. Am I all right? Did I always drink this much? It's taken her bloody long enough to realise something's wrong. She's so gentle – sex with her is very… soft. I'm profoundly glad she's not a Legilimens – I don't think she'd be pleased to see it's you I'm thinking about when I'm in her.

I'll save you a slice of the wedding cake shall I? Maybe you'll be allowed to eat it before the Dementor's suck out your fucking soul - that's if they're back under Ministry control any time soon.
      Hah! But let's be honest, you're not likely to come to trial. At the first sight of your ugly mug you'll be AK'd before you can draw breath. Good riddance!

Fuck, there's no more whisky left.
      It would be sensible to destroy these letters. I'd hate for Tonks to get hold of them.

Had a meeting tonight. Hermione was looking at me sideways. Nothing obvious, just little looks, then she'd glance at Harry. They're worried about me, I can see. Their concern is touching, considering all that they're facing.

Harry approached me after the meeting.
       "This isn't about Dumbledore, is it?" he said.
      "What isn't?" I replied.
      "All this…" and he waved his hands around in that vague way he gets when he can't or doesn't want to articulate something. Oddly enough, however, I knew precisely what he meant. I told him it wasn't, but that it was my problem. He looked at me then, for a long moment, then nodded.
      "If you need to… talk…anytime…" He clapped me on the shoulder, awkwardly, like he wasn't sure he wasn't overstepping the bounds. I almost smiled: for all his maturity he's still so young. But, he's the first person other than Tonks who's deliberately touched me in weeks and I found myself hungering after the contact. What a sad, sad old man I've become. Have you every really noticed how green Harry's eyes are?

There's nothing much for me to do at the moment. The inactivity would be driving me mad if I could be bothered to rouse myself out of this apathy.

I'm getting on well with Bill Weasley. Remember him? Good looking bloke, despite what Fenrir did to his face. Healthy, too, doesn't give the impression of having lived his life under a rock.

Minerva's found something for me to do. Privately I think it's a hopeless task but I'll do it because I have to be doing something and if there's even the slightest chance some good'll come of it…
      I miss you. I really miss you. I miss your hands, I miss your cock. In spite of everything I want you here with me. You sneered at me once when I half-jokingly said I wanted a happy-ever-after. But there is no happy-ever-after, is there? There can't be.

I broke it off with Tonks. It was the kindest thing to do, all considered. I don't think I'll be returning from this job anyway.
      She didn't seem surprised, and bless her, she volunteered to tell Molly…
      I'm tired and dispirited but even so I'm almost anticipating what's to come. I've dithered for so long about so many things it's good to be setting out in a particular direction. I'm not sure what to do about these letters, though. It would be prudent to destroy them but I can't bring myself to do that. Oh well. It won't matter to me if they're found after I'm dead. I won't particularly care anymore what people will make of our relationship.
      Goodbye, Severus.
      Good luck.