Problems

...I'm going to apologise profusely for this - the idea just hit me over the head, grabbed me by the throat, and wouldn't stop beating me up until I wrote it...

There's a little bit of dialogue in Episode Three (Gay Bash) that absolutely begs a fic...

Xandir (inside bathroom): "... get me another gay test."
Foxxy (to Clara and Wooldoor): "The only test in there is a pregnancy test."
Xandir: "Oh great. Now I have two problems..."

[sigh] And I always swore I'd never write an mpreg...
This is really just a silly bit of fluff.

Xandir stared at his reflection in the mirror, bottom lip trembling, perilously close to tears. God, he looked dreadful. How anyone could find him attractive like this was beyond him. He laid his hands over his little round belly, wincing at the strong, healthy kicks from within. At least all the weight had stayed on his front - he hadn't acquired a fat arse as well. Or breasts - he'd been terrified he'd develop breasts...
      He glanced over his shoulder at the tap on the door, to find Clara beaming at him. He sighed silently and nodded: the princess hastened to his side, laying a pretty hand over his abdomen then squealing quietly at the movements under her palm.
      "How are you feeling? You're getting enough rest? Sleeping OK? Taking your vitamins?"
      Xandir slumped back onto the bed, cradling his belly in his hands and gazing down at it dolefully.
      "I'm fine. I wish everyone would stop asking."
      "But it's so exciting! Just think, two little babies in the house. I wonder who they'll take after, you or Captain Hero? Or perhaps one of each..."
      Xandir flinched at a particularly strong kick, and shifted to curl up on his side on the bed. He still insisted on wearing his thong and loincloth - and to be fair, they sat quite comfortably under the growing bulge of his abdomen - but had swapped his body armour for a turquoise crop-top, much cooler and more relaxing. He tended to go barefoot these days, too, easier to keep his balance. Clara sat beside him, burbling happily until she finally noticed the tears filling his eyes.
      "What's the matter?"
      "I'm... I'm... ugly..." It came out as a wail, and Xandir buried his face in a pillow, sobbing quietly. Clara patted his shoulder gingerly.
      "No you aren't! Well, yes, you look a bit strange, but that's only natural. Men aren't supposed to get pregnant. At least, that's what Foxxy says. I think it's cute."
      "Cute!" Xandir glared at her through his tears. "You think it's cute to look like a... a... balloon? To have morning sickness 24/7? Swollen ankles?" He sniffled and brushed a hand over his face. "I haven't seen my feet in weeks!"
      "There there..." Clara bit her lip, at a loss as to what to say or do. She thought the young adventurer looked gorgeous - he'd been lucky, Foxxy said, one of those people who bloomed when pregnant: his hair shone, his skin was soft and smooth and glowing with health, and his eyes sparkled. Admittedly this last was with tears more often than not, but all the same... "I brought you some of those chocolate coated olives you like..."
      Xandir paled and slapped a hand to his mouth, struggling off the bed and diving for the bathroom: Clara put her fingers in her ears to shut out the sound of vomiting. Five minutes later Xandir returned, moving slowly but as gracefully as ever, his colour almost back to normal. Clara sighed as he settled himself back on the bed.
      "I'm sorry. I thought you liked them."
      "I do - I mean, I did..." Xandir moaned. "But that was yesterday..."
      "Is there anything you'd like today?"
      Xandir considered the question - then his eyes filled with tears. Again.
      "I'd like not to be pregnant."
      "Oh Xandir..." Clara sighed despondently. "I wish you could feel happy about this."
      "Don't you worry yo pretty li'l ass about it, Xandy-honey! 'nother fifteen weeks and you won't be pregnant any more!" Foxxy sauntered into the room and flopped on the end of the bed. Xandir snorted.
      "No, I'll have two whining, crying babies to look after instead!"
      "But we'll all help." Clara's eyes shone with sincerity. "Won't we, Foxxy?"
      "I guess..." The mystery-solving musician didn't look terribly enthusiastic about the idea.
      Xandir pouted. The only one of them likely to be of any real help was Wooldoor. The rest, although they seemed to like the idea of kids in the house, were conspicuously quiet - or absent - when he asked for help. Spanky had dived into the whole situation and was currently taking bids as to which publishing emporium would pay the most for exclusive rights to the story - with detailed photos of the birth itself. And it was blatantly obvious Hero was going to be as much use as a punctured condom: much as he loved the idea of being a father, as far as he was concerned, bearing and rearing the kids was their mother's job. The fact that Xandir wasn't female made no difference as far as he was concerned...
      "Have you chosen names yet?"
      Xandir dragged his attention back to Clara, and sighed.
      "Hero wants to call one Hero and the other Xandir. Or Heroine and Xandra if they're girls. Which is very unlikely."
      Foxxy grimaced.
      "Not very original."
      Xandir had said the same. Hero had chuckled, ruffled his hair, tweaked his nipple rings and told him not to worry his pretty little head about such things. For which the big man had had to sleep on the floor for a week. He'd soon learned not to patronise the bearer of his children, but on the subject of the names he refused to budge...
      And speaking of the father... Hero arrived in the doorway with a flourish, chest puffed out and irritating, proprietary smirk on his face.
      "Ah, you've been keeping the little mother-to-be company."
      Clara beamed.
      "Oh yes! Poor Xandir's still feeling sick, though."
      Hero shook his head.
      "All part of life's rich tapestry."
      Xandir's eyes filled with tears again.
      "You wouldn't say that if it was happening to you."
      Hero quickly cuddled up behind the youth on the bed, one arm over his waist, hand resting on the bulge.
      "Aww, come on honey. It'll all be over soon."
      "No it won't..."
      A stream of apparent gibberish heralded the arrival of Ling-Ling, interrupting whatever Hero was going to say next, and Xandir shifted warily back against the big man. Just recently Ling-Ling had been eyeing up his distended belly and licking its lips in a way that thoroughly spooked the young adventurer. Spanky, who'd followed the creature into the room, leered at them all.
      "Thought you'd like to know that the International Questioner will pay a million for exclusive rights, as long as they can film the birth. But they insist on no anaesthetic."
      Xandir's eyes widened in panic, and he turned to Hero, grabbing his cape with both hands.
      "No! I can't have them without pain-relief! I have to have pain-relief!"
      Hero pulled him into a close embrace, smirking smugly at Foxxy over the bowed blond head. He really rather liked having Xandir dependent on him.
      "Of course you'll have pain relief, dear. I don't want you or the brats to suffer."
      "But think of the money!" Spanky was scowling. Hero shook his head.
      "No. And that's my final word."
      The pig leered as he gathered up Ling-Ling and ushered it out of the room.
      "Oh, OK. I'll ask again later, then..."
      Hero shook his head.
      "Some people never learn." He glanced down at Xandir, who was still cuddled into his chest. "You tired, honey? Want to rest?"
      "Yes please." It was muffled, and pleading, and Hero smiled at the women.
      "Sorry girls. Mother-to-be needs his beauty sleep."

Grinning, everyone made their way out of the room, closing the door quietly behind them, and Hero nuzzled Xandir's hair.
      "They've all gone."
      The youth sniffled and mumbled something Hero couldn't hear. The man cupped a hand under the pointed chin and raised Xandir's face to his own, sighing silently at the shimmering tears in the lovely eyes. He hated to see Xandir cry, and the kid had been doing it a lot since he'd discovered he was pregnant.
      "I didn't hear, sweetheart."
      "... mugly..."
      Hero frowned and sat up, pulling Xandir with him, then swept the youth into his arms and walked over to the mirror.
      "The only ugly thing I see is me."
      Xandir's head jerked up in surprise and turned to look at the mirror. Hero swung him carefully onto his feet then stood behind the adventurer, hands resting over the swollen belly, stroking gently.
      "You're beautiful, Playstation. I hope the kids take after you."
      Startled blue eyes met Hero's in the mirror.
      "You mean it?"
      Hero kissed his hair.
      "Yeah, I mean it."
      "Oh..." At a loss for words, Xandir bit his lip and regarded their reflections. There was nothing but sincerity in Hero's face, and for the first time Xandir dared to hope this whole farcical situation might actually have a good ending. He sighed and relaxed back into the strong embrace.
      "Thank you."
      "Welcome. And if you really really hate the names, we'll think of some we both like. How'd that be?"
      "... Thank you..."
      Hero licked an elegantly pointed ear, and Xandir moaned, hands reaching back to fondle Hero's cock through his costume. The kid's libido had shot through the roof since conceiving, much to Hero's delight... The big man grinned.
      "Time for me to pamper you a bit?"
      Xandir twisted in his arms, gazing up into the handsome face.
      "Oh please..." he breathed, and Hero kissed him, long and softly and with considerable passion as Xandir eased slim fingers into his shorts, stroking and teasing and making the big man shudder with delight.
      There were some advantages to living with a pregnant Xandir...