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If I had thought Narsus' words to me that morning signalled a resumption of our curtailed… relationship, I was sadly mistaken…

I had held him closely for a little while, kissing his hair, content, my mind spinning dreams of how things would be from now on, my lord in my arms and in my bed. I would protect him. I would care for him. And I would love him…
      Then Elam awoke, rubbing bleary eyes, and Arislan returned, with fresh water and fruit from the farm's half-wild orchard, figs, grapes and peaches - and Narsus pulled away from me, wrapping himself in his cloak and hauling himself unsteadily upright. He bowed to me, swaying slightly.
      "I thank you for your assistance."
      His voice was weak but cold, and struck me like an arrow in the throat. He refused to meet my eyes. Turning, he walked unsteadily out of the shed, still wrapped in the cloak, reaching for his breeches on the way. Withdrawing from me, and taking the light that was himself away with him, leaving me the darkness.

"…Daryun? Daryun, what happened?"
      The prince was shaking my arm, his eyes worried. I blinked and tried to smile.
      "It is nothing, your highness."
      "Don't lie to me, Daryun - you look as though someone has just knifed you. What is wrong?"
      And I stared at him. How could I answer? What could I say? How could I speak out of darkness?

It was some minutes before Narsus returned, half-clad, his hair dripping, skin flushed and damp, obviously having sluiced away the night's unpleasantnesses. Elam had the fire going again, and Narsus seated himself, keeping a slight distance from the rest of us, face averted while we breakfasted. Afterwards the prince stretched a hand towards him, not quite touching, voice hesitant.
      "Lord Narsus? What should we do now?"
      Narsus swallowed and turned to him, pale face reflecting an obvious effort to act normally.
      "We move on. It is not safe to stay for too long in one place."
      Obediently Arislan and Elam gathered themselves together as Narsus dressed, not looking at me, and we saddled the horses and set off for the mountains in silence.

I rode at the rear, keeping a wary eye out for danger, and wondering what I had done wrong.
      It had to be something I had done. But what? I had spoken out of turn, yes, I confess it - but Narsus had replied in kind…
      I frowned. Perhaps that was it. He had been vulnerable, his fever only just broken, weak, ill… I had rushed him, spoken too soon, while he was defenceless. Narsus does not like feeling vulnerable.
      I cursed myself. I should have waited. Yet we had already waited so long…
      Narsus was still weak, and rode slowly, and we stopped to rest more than we would otherwise have done. Elam hovered close, ready to assist his master should it prove necessary - which should have been my task. I fought down a useless jealousy and wondered how I could redeem myself.

For three days matters continued on thus, Narsus speaking only when necessary and then in a cool and controlled way, refusing to let any feeling show; the prince and Elam confused and worried; myself trying to anticipate Narsus' every need and suggestion, moving to obey swiftly and silently. My heart aching as I watched him, surreptitiously, like a parched man gazing at a waterfall far distant and unreachable. The air between us was tense and uncomfortable.
      Things could not stay like this. If nothing else, it left us all edgy, distracted, open to the risk of attack.

On the fourth day, at midday, we stopped for a longer rest.
      A small river tumbled down from the mountains and into a small gorge, forming deep pools as it sang and bubbled over the large boulders that covered the riverbed. The northern bank was wide and mossy, untrodden, and screened from above and the sides by a tumble of trees and fruiting shrubs. It was very peaceful - and warm, the sun sparkling on the water. I watched covertly as Narsus dismounted a little awkwardly and stood beside his horse for a moment, gazing at the view, his expression soft for the first time in four days.
      My beloved, beauty-struck as ever. I wished I had parchment and drawing tools for him to sit and immortalise the spot, just to have him look at me that way. I had to settle for quietly taking the horse's reins from his lax hand and hobbling all four of the beasts in a grassy copse, unsaddling and unbridling them for a while.
      When I returned Arislan and Elam had stripped and were diving into one of the deeper of the pools, their light laughter a relief after the last few days. Narsus was sitting on a rock a little way back from the water, still fully clothed despite the heat of the afternoon. I moved to him - my heart sinking as he tensed at my approach - and knelt at his side.
      "My lord… we must speak…"
      He swallowed, his eyes on the youths.
      "Th… there is nothing to say."
      He recovered himself well, but I caught the tiny hesitation in his voice… He was afraid! Frightened - of me?
      I bowed my head.
      "My lord… forgive me. Whatever it is I've done, please forgive me."
      He slowly turned his head, and I could feel his eyes on me. To my heartfelt relief he did not try to deny that there was anything to forgive.
      "Daryun… whatever was said… I was - not in my right mind…"
      I frowned, keeping my head lowered but peering up at him.
      "'whatever was…' My lord, don't you remember what was said?"
      His shoulders slumped and he rubbed a hand over his eyes.
      "I…"
      I bit my lip. Yes, he knew. He remembered. Why did he not want to admit to it? I reached a hand to him, jerking it back as he flinched away from me. I tried to keep my voice calm.
      "My lord… Please tell me what's wrong."
      He hesitated, and I waited, patiently, kneeling at his side like a dog, silently watching. Finally he clasped his hands together to hang between his knees, lowered face obscured by his hair.
      "I am afraid."
      I could only just catch the words, and kept my own voice low.
      "Why, my lord?"
      "I…" He swallowed. "I could not endure the loneliness, not a second time."
      I blinked.
      "But… My lord, I would not leave you!"
      "… you did once…"
      My hands twisted together. I wanted - needed - to touch him, and I dared not. It would only drive him further from me.
      "My lord…" it came out as a trembling whisper. "I told you…"
      "Yes. You told me why." He glanced quickly at me then away again, long enough for me to see his lovely eyes brimming with tears. "And I could never know you would not do the same thing again."
      "… no…" I could barely breathe around the anguish clamped tightly inside me. "I swear to you… Narsus, my lord, my life… I would find a way…"
      He shook his head minutely.
      "You cannot know that, Daryun. None of us know what is to happen tomorrow, or next month, or next year. If your… feelings… for me conflicted with your duty to the prince, what would you do? Could I, in all conscience, force you into a position where you may have to make that choice?" He swung to face me, misery in every line and shadow of his face. He was shaking: with an effort I fought back the urge to pull him to me. I could hear the panic in my voice.
      "What can I say? What can I say to convince you that it will not happen? That my life is yours. That you are my life. Without you…"
      He shook his head, the tears spilling over.
      "Daryun, you're a soldier. You have lived by a soldier's code all of your life. Your duty, your honour, means more to you than… than a… a passing fancy…"
      I gripped his hands tightly.
      "You were not, and are not, and never could be such a thing to me. Narsus, don't ever think it." I lowered my head, pressing my forehead to the backs of his cool hands and drawing a deep breath. "My lord, I asked you if you would have me back. And you said yes. You also have your honour. Will you renege on your word?"
      "I asked you to come home."
      "You are my home!" I knelt up, gripping his shoulders rather harder than I'd meant to: he winced but kept his eyes on mine. "Narsus, please… Those years were… so dark and lonely for me too… Haven't we suffered enough? I made the wrong decision once. I will not make another."
      He regarded me for long, long moments, then sighed.
      "I believe you."
      I blinked. I thought I'd misheard him.
      "My lord…?"
      He closed his eyes, wearily.
      "You are right, Daryun. We have suffered enough. And I… I do not wish to fight anymore. Just one small thing…"
       Holding my breath, I nodded, waiting.
      "If you leave me a second time, I will not survive it."
      I frowned, not entirely sure what he meant. But since I would not leave, not ever, there was no reason to ask. I touched his face, very gently.
      "You… I can come back? Come home? To you?" I couldn't help it, I laid my hand against his brow, just to be certain this was not another fever-weakness. He inclined his head, a touch of real amusement in his eyes for the first time since I had found him again.
      "No, my Daryun. I am in my right mind."
      I cupped his cheek in my hand, relishing the way he pressed very slightly against my palm, breathless at the depth of - dare I call it love? - in his beautiful dark jade eyes.
      "Narsus…"

"Master? I'm hungry!"
      I blinked, the spell broken, and we both turned to see Elam, naked and dripping, standing before us. Grinning, the impudent brat. Narsus eyed him for a moment, expression confused, as if suddenly woken from sleep, then sighed.
      "We will need to hunt, if we wish to eat."
      He made to stand, but Elam shook his head.
      "No master. You must rest. His highness and I will catch our dinner," he glanced over his shoulder at the prince, who had wrapped a breechcloth around his hips and was holding his bow and a quiver-full of arrows, then returned his gaze to us, smirking. "That will give you two time to bathe. Or do whatever else you feel inclined to do…"
      And with that the two were gone, snickering, Narsus' belated, "Do not go too far!" drifting after them. He gazed at me, then shrugged his shoulders. I smiled and kissed his fingers.
      "My lord, will you bathe?"
      "Will you, Daryun?"
      In answer I rose and stripped, then held a hand out to him, pulling him to his feet and reaching for the fastenings of his clothing...

He was so thin! Always slender, now he looked starved: his illness had robbed him of much of his vigour, his ribs and hipbones prominent. He had obviously not been eating as much as I'd thought, and I frowned. He closed his eyes.
      "I have had no appetite, Daryun."
      I wondered if that had been my fault… I took his hand and led him over the mossy ground to the nearest pool, shallower than the youths' diving pond, the smooth white boulders that formed its bottom almost warm from the sun's heat. Narsus lay back in the cool water with a sigh.
      "Good…" I stroked his hair. He could make shift with the best of us, when he had to, but I had been sure he missed his bath. My fastidious Narsus…
      He rolled his head to regard me, smiling a little tremulously. And I leaned down and very gently kissed him.
      For a moment he didn't respond, then one slender arm encircled my neck as he pulled me to him, lips pressed hungrily to mine. And I melted, moulding myself to him. My Narsus. My love.
      He pulled back slowly, reluctantly, his eyes full of promises, and smiled, almost shyly, then began to lave water over me, my chest and shoulders, rubbing and scratching lightly, cleaning me… I kissed him and bade him stay still for a moment: I had seen a patch of a plant I recognised a short distance away…
      Moments later, the soapwort roots pulped as best I could and rendering a thin lather, I was finally able to do one thing I had always wanted - wash the mass of raw silk that was his hair… He lay back against my hands, lips parted, eyes closed, revelling in the attention, the luxury of being cared for.
      Oh, if only we'd had this before! If I'd gone with him into exile I could have spent the three years loving him, pampering him… I gritted my teeth. Well, I would just have to make up those lost years as best I could.
      I kissed his forehead, and he half-opened his eyes, smiling up at me.
      "Thank you, Daryun… Shall I return the favour?"
      But he was beginning to chill in the cool water, and I shook my head.
      "Will you go back to the bank, my lord? I will only be a moment or two…"
      And wonder of wonders he did not argue, but climbed gracefully out, slim hands sleeking water from his hair then flinging it back over his shoulder. And I watched as he prowled from the water's edge, narrow hips and long legs a vision in the sunlight. And as for what lay between… I hurried my own ablutions…
      He'd found a thickly mossy patch of sunlit ground and stretched out on his stomach, face resting on his crossed arms, eyes half closed. I dropped to sit beside him, leaning to press soft kisses down his back, my hand resting on a lean buttock as he sighed and wriggled very slightly. I moved back up and kissed his neck, nipping his earlobe gently.
      "Is it too soon, my lord?"
      He blinked, then frowned.
      "Is what too soon, Daryun? Too soon for what?"
      "For me to… love you, my lord."
      He blinked, then rolled onto his back, smiling sweetly. He was already erect and weeping.
      "I think not, Daryun."
      And I moved to lie between his thighs, cupping his buttocks in my hands and gathering him to me, kissing his member, licking as he gasped and twitched and buried his hands in my hair, and finally spilled himself into my mouth, moaning quietly above me…
      And much as I wished to, I did not swallow, but raised myself up to watch his face, pressing a finger to his entrance. He smiled up at me, his eyes shining, and nodded. And laving my member with his own essence and my saliva mingled, to ease my passage into his precious body, I slowly worked my way inwards, watching his face, feeling my eyes brimming with love and gratitude as he whimpered and wrapped his legs over my hips, opening to me, letting me touch him, be with him… Worship him as he should always have been worshipped, in an afternoon made golden by our love.

The prince and Elam arrived back quietly some hours later, grinning at us, at me, curled protectively around the sleeping Narsus, stroking his hair. As Elam very quietly went about gathering kindling to cook the fat pigeons they'd brought down, Arislan knelt behind me and brought his lips close to my ear, whispering softly:
      "You have both been so patient, Daryun. I want to see you both happy. Promise me you will try."
      And I smiled up at my future king, my arms unconsciously pulling Narsus a little closer.
      "I will not lose him, your highness. Not again. Not ever…"

© 2003 April 4^th Joules Taylor

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