Withdrawal
My back hurt. My breasts were sore. And I was having overwhelming urges to eat the strangest foods. The palace kitchens were becoming quite used to me demanding things like pine-smoked whole highland lungfish stuffed with over-ripe yargberries on a bed of raw pulped bighorn intestines at all hours of the day and night...
But at least everything was fine with the babies.
I sighed: Gh'veen glanced at me.
"There is something amiss?"
"Not really. I'm just... worried, I suppose. About what they'll be like. Whether I can be a proper mother."
"You will have all the support and advice you require - more than you require if Zh'leet has anything to do with it."
I chuckled. "I know. I'm sure I'll really appreciate it, later. It's a strange thought, though, that their father is also a mother."
"For Saiyans undoubtedly. Not for R'ren'nkh'ia-jin."
"Mmm..." We walked for a while in silence, then I asked the question uppermost in my mind. "Do you know yet when Radittsu and the king will be back?"
"They will probably be in the suite by the time we arrive there."
I nodded, simply grateful for the news. I'd been so worried about them all...
I'd been with Ti'aasaan and Zha'haarak when the shock had hit. They'd been very edgy for several days: we knew little of what was happening on R'ren'nkh'ia, but we did know about the two big lizards escaping. I assumed some sort of attempt was going to be made to find and kill them - it's what I'd have done in the High King's place - so I kind of appreciated that things might be tense onworld and we'd feel echoes of it back on Vejiitasei. Well, the zn'hre would feel echoes anyway: I just wasn't *sensitive* enough. Zha'haarak had suffered most, being the High King's brother, but there was nothing we couldn't cope with.
Then suddenly everything had erupted: one moment we were sharing a meal, the next... Ti'aasaan froze, his eyes huge, while Zha'haarak paled almost to white and started shaking, making the most awful low keening noise in his throat - seconds later they both collapsed. The little princes cowered around them, too terrified even to hiss, and I'd gathered them to me as Zh'leet and Gh'veen had raced to the zn'hre.
"Can I help?"
Zh'leet spared me a quick half-smile, her monitor pressed to Zha'haarak's throat.
"Keep the little princes out of the way for the moment. Try to calm them down if you can."
It hadn't been easy, and I'd ended up taking them all through to the bath, letting them cuddle up to me, unhappy and distressed, not understanding what was wrong and desperately needing reassurance. It's not easy hugging five trembling little zn'hre infants at once...
"'teeta? Is maazi goin' to be all right?" Little Zha'haabron was gazing up at me, his eyes brimming, biting his lower lip. I stroked his hair back from his forehead.
"Maazi? Who's Maazi, little one?"
"Maazi. Tisan."
Oh. Maazi rather than mama. I shrugged mentally. Better get used to it - it's what mine will probably call me...
I smiled and tried to hug him closer.
"I'm sure he will, precious. Zh'leet is doing everything she can to help, and she's very good when people are feeling poorly."
A little reassured, he turned to Zha'tiisaan, who had his face pressed against my belly and was, I realised as his sibling patted his back gently, weeping silently and helplessly. I wished I had more *sensitivity*: I couldn't be much help as things were.
"See?" Little Zha'haabron tried to smile at his brother. "S'all right. He be fine in a little bit."
I hugged them all closer, silently willing it to be true...
Zh'leet came into the room a short while later.
"How are things here?"
"Is maazi all right?"
The ko'ish'n smiled down into little Zha'haabron anxious face.
"He's fine. They both are. They just had a nasty shock, that's all." Five little blue bodies shot out of the pool, pausing as Zh'leet raised a hand.
"Now you must be gentle and quiet. They need hugs, but not to be climbed on. Understand?"
Five identical nods and the infant zn'hre filed quietly into the main sleeping chamber, subdued but a great deal happier. I climbed out of the pool and frowned at the brood.
"So what's happened?"
"To them, nothing. It has to be something that's happened to Zha'haabron."
"I'll contact them."
She shook her head. "I've already tried. Both Zha'haabron and the big ape are incommunicado right now, and the council are refusing to pass any messages to them. Worse, neither Ti'aasaan nor Zha'haarak can *reach* either of them, although they can *feel* them. A little, at any rate." She scowled, then sighed. "At least we know they're not dead."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
She sighed deeply, then smiled. "Thank you for asking, but there isn't, not really. Nothing more than you already do, anyway."
"You sure?"
She inclined her head. "Yes. If I think of anything I'll let you know."
But it was a horrible six days, watching Zha'haarak grow thinner and more exhausted as whatever was happening to his sibling on R'ren'nkh'ia ate into him, seeing Ti'aasaan worrying himself ragged as he tried to reassure his partner, reassure the little princes, reassure himself that everything would be all right.
And then we got the call from Radittsu, and everything became clear.
For myself, it was an overwhelming relief. It was very sad that Zha'haabron had had to kill his sibling, of course, but that was what Zha'hiirad had wanted. It sounded to me as though it was the best thing, under the circumstances.
I couldn't understand why it affected the zn'hre so much...
Zh'leet tried to explain to me the strange *bonds* they shared, but I really didn't understand it any better than when Zha'haabron had tried to explain it. Although, I'd thought to myself with a jolt of alarm, you'd better learn something about it - your own brats may very well have the same sort of bond...
But right now, with Zh'leet practically having to force nutritional drinks down Zha'haarak's throat to get him to eat anything at all, and Ti'aasaan trying so hard to be strong, to cope - and Sheftali going through one of her occasional days-long temper tantrums, and myself needing a series of protracted check-ups that had kept me in Vinas' lab for the last couple of days - I had neither the time nor the energy.
The news that the bondmates would soon be home cheered me up immensely.
Gh'veen opened the door to the suite and ushered me through: Zh'leet met us, her face grim. I got that awful plummeting feeling in my stomach as I entered, the one that lets you know something is very wrong.
"Where are they?"
"Zha'haabron is in the pool with his kin."
I frowned.
"And Radittsu?"
"Has gone."
I swung to her, gripping her shoulders far too hard, ignoring her flinching.
"What do you mean, gone?"
She glowered at me. "I don't know! He didn't wait long enough to tell me what the problem was, just said he thought he wouldn't be welcomed here and left..."
I shoved a hand through my mane. Shit!! What now...!
"D'you know where he is?"
"Of course not."
I tried *calling* for him - not that I was ever particularly good at it, but it was the first thing to try. But there was *nothing*. I couldn't even trace his ki - he must be suppressing it...
I took several deep breaths. "All right. There can't be that many places he can have gone. I'll start with..."
"No."
I stared. "What?"
She shook her head.
"Don't interfere."
"But..."
"I mean it."
"He's my friend!" And lover...
"And he is the lifebonded mate of the High King of R'ren'nkh'ia. Don't interfere."
I could have hit her. I didn't. Maybe all those discussions with Zha'haabron had done something for my tact, after all. I sighed, resignedly.
"What can I do to help?"
She half-smiled and gestured to the bewildered, unhappy little princes...
Sunlight stabbed into his eyes, and he flung an arm across his face to shut it out. The movement hurt, and he groaned, reaching out for Zha'haabron...
He was alone in the bed. Someone else's bed. That warm, familiar scent...
... the memory of the previous night, and the realisation of where he was, hit him hard, and he curled around himself, trembling violently. Moments later a warm hand slid under his mane and came to rest on his back, between his shoulderblades.
"How you feeling? I've got some fresh juice if you're thirsty - and some of that Hydra-whateverthebloodystuffiscalled, supposed to be a hangover cure though I've never noticed any improvement..."
Pitifully grateful for the distraction, Radittsu rolled onto his back, wincing, scowling up at a naked Hijau.
"You always talk this much in the morning, these days?"
The young officer grinned. "Not always, sir." He rose and headed towards the bathroom, tail twisting self-consciously behind him as he paused to glance back over his shoulder. "Though you could always find out for yourself. If you need somewhere to stay, while you get whatever the problem is sorted out..." He lowered his eyes, a very faint blush colouring his cheekbones, stepped through and closed the door.
Radittsu hauled himself into a sitting position, closing his eyes until the room stopped spinning. Exactly how much had he drunk last night? It couldn't have been that much, surely...?
But then again, it had been a while. A long while. Who needed alcohol when you had Zha'haabron?
Zha'haabron... Beloved...
He sank his pounding head into his hands, unable to think. Ten minutes later Hijau emerged from the bathroom, still naked, water droplets shimmering on his skin and in his mane, and stood for a moment, watching his superior officer. Frowning, the younger male sat on the edge of the bed, unsure of quite what to do.
"Uh, captain? Sir?"
Radittsu's hands slid away from his face and he gazed dismally at his subordinate. Hijau swallowed nervously.
"Can I do anything, sir?"
"Shouldn't you be on duty?"
"I have a couple of day's leave, sir."
"Nice for you." Radittsu leaned forwards, resting his forehead on arms crossed on his pulled-up knees.
C'mon, 'dittsu, give me some help here...! "Sir, why don't you..."
"Will you stop calling me 'sir'! I fucked you last night - I think that deserves something a bit more personal than 'sir'!"
Hijau backed down the bed, eyes wide as he stared at Radittsu's scowling face - then shifted forwards and kissed his captain. Hard. Not quite believing he'd had the balls to do it. His tongue forcing itself between firm lips and stroking the inside of the deliciously hot, smoky-tasting mouth. Oh, the memories...
How can he taste so good first thing in the morning?
Radittsu pulled back after a moment, blinking, expression stunned.
"...what...?"
Hijau sighed. "Sorry si... Rad-san."
"Why?"
"Why did I kiss you?"
"Why... all of this?" Radittsu gestured vaguely at the bed, Hijau's naked (and by now more than a little aroused) body, the room itself. The young officer shrugged.
"Why not? You needed a place to sleep. It seemed to me you needed someone to share it with."
"You know I'm bonded..."
Hijau didn't let him get any further.
"Oh come on, 'dittsu! Everyone knows the lizards haven't a clue what 'faithful' means! I mean, look at them! The king's knocked up both his brother and the little 'un, and the little 'un's the father of the King's Companion's brats-to-be, no less! And you've had your share of fun where she's concerned, as well! Don't try and tell me you're feeling guilty, 'cause I won't believe you."
Radittsu stared, wide-eyed. No, you wouldn't, would you? You don't have the faintest idea what this is all about.
Hijau was leaning forwards, pupils dilated, his face flushed, his scent - exciting. "And you needed - distracting. I enjoyed last night. You didn't seem too unhappy about it, either..."
How would you know? But the sheer strength of the younger male's anger and arousal was stimulating, and Hijau was aware of his captain's response, even if only subliminally...
"...and you're so fucking beautiful. Even more than before. No one has the right to be so beautiful..."
Snarling, Hijau wrenched the cover from the bed and flung himself onto Radittsu, all control lost as he gripped the larger Saiyan's buttocks hard and pulled their bodies together, tail wrapped tightly around Radittsu's waist and grinding his hips against his captain's, twisting to chew on a nipple as Radittsu winced and caught his breath, rigid swollen flesh stabbing at each other's groins...
Radittsu could have thrown him off without even trying - but the younger male was panting, gasping as he bit at his superior's neck, throat, shoulders, his fingers already teasing between his captain's legs, stroking his tail, and Radittsu groaned, his hands gripping the damp, red-gold hair, feeling himself harden further, his balls tighten as Hijau slid down his body and began to lick and nip roughly at his erection...
"...please... please let me... let me fuck you..."
It wasn't what he wanted. It certainly wasn't who he wanted. But Hijau was so eager, his mouth so talented, it was becoming less and less feasible to say no. And then Hijau took that disloyal, lustful organ deep into his throat and Radittsu was lost.
Feeling fingers enter him, flexing and twisting, stretching and shifting as supple lips and strong teeth played with him, teasing until the searching fingers found that... one... special... place...
His body arching, Radittsu screamed, hoarsely, as he erupted into Hijau's throat. Given no time to recover as the younger male tugged him over onto his stomach and replaced his fingers with his shaft, plunging into quivering heat as he buried his teeth in the captain's shoulder as Radittsu's hips lifted, shifting and angling until every thrust sent liquid fire through his veins, until sheer sensation had him whimpering mindlessly, white light sparking behind his closed eyelids, unaware of Hijau shoving his mane aside and leaving bleeding bitemarks over his back, blue-black fingerprints bruised into the flesh of his waist, hips, shoulders, chest as he came again, and again, without being touched...
An hour later, drained, limp, dragging air into his lungs, Radittsu forced his eyes open and gazed down at the young Saiyan lying, spent, against his broad chest.
"You all right?"
Hijau managed to lift his head up far enough to glance into his captain's eyes for a brief moment before collapsing again.
"All right? That's like asking... asking... Yeah. I'm all right. I've never been so all right in my life." He nestled closer. "I've missed you so much... Can we sleep now?"
Radittsu sighed as his stomach rumbled. "Can we eat first...?"
But Hijau was already asleep, sprawled heavily against him. Radittsu folded his arms behind his head and stared blankly at the ceiling, feeling lost and empty. And cold, so cold. Even the golden warmth of Zha'haabron's constant *presence* in his mind had faded to a faint, dull, almost intangible haze.
What was he going to do?
He should be with his bondmate, comforting the king, helping him come to terms with what he'd done - or simply providing silent support, if that's all Zha'haabron would accept.
But Zha'haabron didn't want him.
He bit his lip, remembering the last few nights before their return. Lying beside his bondmate, one hand resting hesitantly on a cool shoulder, the king's head turned from him, his mind *shuttered*, cold and distant. Gods, he couldn't even hug Zha'haabron now - the lack of response was just too painful. The king had said he wasn't to blame for what had happened, but what else could it be? Zha'haabron had never *closed off* like this, even when he was dying there'd still been that loving warmth, an intensity of feeling that filled his bondmate soul-deep when he *reached out* out for it. Now there was nothing.
He laid an arm across his eyes, oblivious to the tears on his face, guilt, loss and fear swamping him. Unable to stop himself from *reaching* out to try to touch his bondmate.
*... Beloved?...*
There was no answer. As he'd known there would be. Nothing. This was worse than death - at least if he'd died Radittsu could have followed him. But this - this was pure pain.
He dragged himself upright, dressed, and left the barracks, not knowing where he was going or what he was going to do, simply needing to move and keep moving, as if by so doing he could leave his misery behind.
Zha'haabron followed his kin into the bathroom and closed and locked the door. His face expressionless, he stripped, stepped into the bathing pool, into Ti'aasaan and Zha'haarak's embrace - and shattered from within.
Grief unlike any they'd ever known, ever imagined, poured from him, battering at their minds. They *held* him tightly, instinctively calling on abilities they hadn't known they possessed, *shielding* him, bleeding off some of his unbearable pain into their own minds, giving back love and comfort and reassurance. And forgiveness, the one thing he needed above all else right now.
Holding the shuddering body close in the silent room, the passage of time forgotten, hunger and weariness forgotten, they struggled to help their zkai'da survive.
The little princes were dozing, finally partially reassured that their dadda would be all right, they just needed to let him and their papa talk, once their papa was feeling better again. Zh'leet had started pacing an hour ago, stopping every now and then to listen at the bathroom door. She turned to me, expression as close to panic as I'd ever seen it.
"There's no noise at all! What's happening in there? Should we break the lock?"
Little Zha'haabron roused himself from the huddle of little blue bodies and looked up, his eyes wide.
"Mustn't, haani. Papa talks to maazi and dadda Zhak. They help him. We mustn't go in."
The ko'ish'n crouched down before him, cupping his face in her hands.
"Are you sure, little one? They don't need help? They're all right in there?"
He nodded gravely. "Yes, haani. Must wait. They come out when it's time."
She glanced at me, frowning, and I shrugged.
"Trust him. It's his parents in there, after all. They have their own sort of bond, and you know how close they all are."
She sighed and stood.
"You're right, of course. But I don't like the waiting..."
She wasn't the only one. It was a very long, very dismal night.
We waited for most of the following day, too, fretting, feeding and amusing the little princes, who were subdued but not too anxious - though whether that was a good or bad thing I couldn't tell. Zh'leet insisted I eat, for Ti'aasaan and the babies' sakes - emotional blackmail but it worked, though I can't say now what I actually put in my mouth. And finally, towards evening, the door opened and the three zn'hre came out, Zha'haarak and Ti'aasaan supporting the king, who stumbled between them, his eyes closed.
I moved to help them, but Ti'aasaan smiled wearily and shook his head.
"It is fine, Leteetza. He's exhausted, that's all."
Looking at him, too thin, the almost healed wounds in his arms and feet looking raw and ugly, far-too-pale blue skin stretched far too tightly over bones that suddenly seemed far too fragile, I somehow doubted that he was simply suffering from exhaustion. But as they lifted him onto the sleeping platform and nestled close, the little princes cuddling up to them all, it didn't seem to be either the time or my place to disagree.
"Really?"
The little zn'hre nodded. "It will take a little while, but the healing has begun."
Zh'leet looked relieved.
"You're sure you're all all right?"
Zha'haarak nodded. "Tired. We need to sleep for a while. Tomorrow we will explain."
"Very well. But you two must eat something." She poured them both measures of the fruity beverage she'd had all of us drinking for the last twenty days, and stood over them until they'd drained the beakers. I inclined my head.
"Would you like me to leave?"
Ti'aasaan reached for my hand.
"Would you mind? Just for tonight."
I squeezed his fingers. "'Course not. I'll come back tomorrow, see how things are."
He smiled gratefully, and I made my way back to the royal suite and a worried - though he wouldn't for the world have ever admitted it - Vejiita.
He scowled at me.
"Is he all right?"
I sighed, realising how tense I'd been, how tired it had left me.
"He will be, I think."
"Good. Come to bed."
And I did, although our usual lovemaking wasn't an option at the moment, both Vinas and Zh'leet concerned about the effect it might have on the babies. To my surprise that news had bothered Vejiita less than I'd expected, though he regularly grumbled about it. Still, there were plenty of other ways to satisfy ourselves.
But not tonight. Tonight I just wanted to sleep, and hoped against hope that my dreams were happy ones.
Where the hell was Radittsu?
Radittsu stood in the palace grounds, staring up at the balcony, at the muted lights within the *silent* suite, his heart breaking - then turned and made his way wearily, dispiritedly, back to the barracks and Hijau...
© 2001 November 28th Joules Taylor
