Make sure you read Amanda's companion sequence, Exile, in conjuction with this sequence.
Regret
"You must come inside."
Zha'haabron heard Leteetza's voice through a heavy fog of misery. He barely felt the warm hand on his shoulder, shaking him, then moving to his forearm and tugging.
"Ssii'iin, please! You're far too cold…"
He dragged himself wearily to his knees, too numb, too heart-sick, to object. The little Saiyan pulled him upright and wrapped an arm as far around his waist as she could, helping him into one of the smaller side rooms in their mobile temporary home: pushing him down onto the sleeping platform she dragged a light fur around his shivering body, cupped his face in her hands, frowning, then exited into the main body of the vehicle, speaking over her shoulder.
"Wait here…"
Moments later she was back, carrying a large beaker of fruity glop - steaming slightly: she'd used ki to heat it up - and seated herself in front of him, wrapping his trembling hands around the beaker and helping him lift it to his lips. Ti'aasaan slipped into the room, expression fearful, and knelt beside the Saiyan. She glanced at him enquiringly.
"Zha'haarak?"
He gestured to the king.
"Like this. Jeice is with him. Leteetza, what's wrong with them?"
"The Ssii'iin is in some sort of shock, I think. And that's affecting Zha'haarak."
"Can I help?"
She bit her lip.
"I don't know if any of us can. I don't know what's caused it. I mean, I do know what's caused it - finding the ship and everything - but I don't know why. I'd have thought it would be a wonderful thing, finding out your origins, something to celebrate..."
Zha'haabron sobbed: Leteetza just caught the beaker as it slid from his hands. Ti'aasaan moved to hug his bondmate - but the king pushed him back, turning his face away.
Leteetza could have cried at the expression of hurt on the little zn'hre's face. She brushed his plaits back from his face and touched his cheek gently.
"It might be better if you just leave him alone for now. I'll try to talk to him, see if I can find out what's wrong. Why don't you go and see how Zha'haarak's doing?"
"But…"
"Little 'un, he doesn't want you here. Let me try and find out why, ne?"
Reluctantly, the little zn'hre nodded and slipped quietly out of the room, brushing at the tears that had started to trickle down his face. Leteetza turned back to Zha'haabron.
Not at all sure of what to do, or say, or even if he'd listen - but he had talked to her in the past: they'd always had that easy, comfortable rapport… She took one cold, limp, trembling hand in both of hers.
"Zha'haabron? Ssii'iin? Tell me what's wrong?"
For long moments she thought he would stay silent - then his eyes met hers.
"We should not exist."
She blinked. What?
"What do you mean?"
"The zn'hre. We should not exist. It would have been better if the zhaneer had all died in the crash."
"Why?"
He stared at her. Why did they not understand?
"Because then we would never have been. We would not have endured thousands of years of slavery and torture. He would have died cleanly, instead of being forced to produce our forebears."
She stared at him.
"You'd rather the zn'hre had never come to be?"
"We are a corruption. A travesty of our ancestors."
"Why do you think that?"
"You saw him."
She nodded.
"I saw him. He looked a lot like you. And fair enough, I suppose you're probably quite a bit different from the original zhaneer - most species adapt to their environment." She shrugged. "If they don't, they die."
"Leteetza, you know how the zn'hre have been treated…"
"Yes. And now you're doing everything in your power to make amends - and make sure it doesn't happen again. And now we find that the zn'hre are a species in their own right, rather than just another of the R'ren'nkh'ian 'types'. I'd have thought you'd be proud!"
He frowned irritably.
"The fact remains we are not natural. We're impure, genetically. Even if the zhaneer could originally interbreed with native R'ren'nkh'ia-jin - which I doubt - why would they want to?"
"If he was the only one left…"
"He wasn't the only one left, not to start with! The rest of the crew were in stasis. If he'd been able to return to the ship he would have revived them. If nothing else they could have started their own colony. There are thirty-five bodies in the craft, Leteetza - thirty-five zhaneer who died when the power source running the cryo capsules finally ran dry."
"Oh." She bit her lip. "I see."
He laughed mirthlessly.
"I doubt it."
"But, Ssii'iin - surely we can find out where the homeworld is, the craft will have the co-ordinates. You could go home." She smiled tremulously. At least he was now talking, even if it was with an angry edge…"Wouldn't you like to see the desert Jeice danced?"
He stared at her disbelievingly.
"You seriously think the zhaneer would welcome us? Want anything to do with us? The warped offspring of ancient rape?"
The Saiyan wondered briefly why they hadn't sent someone to search for their lost colleagues… but then, perhaps they had…. There was just so much they didn't know… She swallowed. Somehow she had to get the king to see sense. She scowled at him, abruptly changing the subject.
"You believe in the rebirth of souls, don't you?"
"Yes…"
"And that the soul is more important than the body?"
He frowned.
"I have direct experience of it, with Rhoi'i'dat'hzziu."
"Then what does it matter if you're not genetically pure, not genetically zhaneer? You're obviously not that far removed from them - you still look like them. And how do you know they'd hate you? They may very well welcome you!"
"But…"
"Don't but!! All right, you may not be pure zhaneer, but you are pure zn'hre. A side-shoot from the original species maybe, but there's no shame in that! Look at everything you've accomplished, everything you've endured! If the zhaneer have any sense at all they'll be proud of their long-lost children!"
He frowned, considering. Looked at from that angle it wasn't quite so devastating… He sighed silently, realising that of course the Saiyan's perspective was naïve, and the whole matter was far more complex than they could imagine, at least until a research team had been able to unlock all the answers hidden in the ship…
He realised Leteetza was speaking again. There were tears in her eyes; her voice was hushed.
"I wonder if our Zha'zhasaan carries the soul of the original? He knew, after all…"
He regarded her gravely.
"How wonderful a thought."
She grinned and hugged him.
"Feel better?"
He nodded slowly, frowning slightly. He really did feel better, he realised. If nothing else she'd talked him out of the despairing anguish that had threatened to overwhelm him…
"Your pragmatic good sense still alarms me at times. Thank you."
She patted his hand.
"Want to tell me why Radittsu hit you?"
He suddenly felt cold, realising what he'd said, what he'd done, and closed his eyes in grief.
"Where is he?"
She narrowed her eyes, focussing on the big male's ki.
"Up at the ship. He's very unhappy."
"That is not surprising." The king pulled himself upright and moved slowly to the door. Leteetza's eyes widened in alarm.
"What are you doing?!"
"Going to beg his forgiveness."
"Don't be stupid! You aren't strong enough to make it all the way up there!"
He paused in the doorway, regarding her sombrely.
"This was the second time I - rejected him… I need to make reparation - and as soon as I can." He shook his head, eyes shadowed with fear. "I can only hope he will forgive me."
Leteetza frowned.
"He loves you. He adores you. He'll forgive you anything."
Zha'haabron wasn't so sure, not this time. He sighed.
"We will return together. Or I will not."
Not fully understanding, she grimaced.
"Well, will you at least let me come with you? I can help you if you get too tired…"
But he was shaking his head.
"I must go alone."
"But…"
"Shall I order you to remain here?"
She bowed her head resignedly.
"That won't be necessary, my Ssii'iin..."
Cold, his flight unsteady, fatigued before he was half-way to the peaks, Zha'haabron gritted his teeth and ascended through will-power alone.
His bondmate was sitting on the slope above the spacecraft, staring at it, elbows on his knees as he supported his head in his hands. Zha'haabron landed awkwardly behind and to the side of the Saiyan and immediately dropped to his knees, exhausted. Radittsu ignored him. Dragging cold air into his lungs and trying not to shiver, the king shifted quietly to sit beside his love.
There was silence between them for long, long, empty moments, then the Saiyan asked, dully,
"What are you going to do to them?"
Zha'haabron frowned.
"To whom?"
Radittsu turned his head. The big expressive eyes were brimming: he'd gone through rage and fear and despair and was now simply too miserable to care about anything. Save one. Or rather, two.
"My children. You said they shouldn't exist. What are you going to do to them?"
Zha'haabron froze. Did his bondmate really think…?
He didn't dare risk touching the Saiyan, not just yet, but he rested one hand on the thick mane lying on the ground, the other on his distended abdomen, feeling gentle movement within, *giving* and *receiving* love and forgiveness and acceptance from the hostlings.
"I'm going to love them. I hope you will too."
Radittsu's expression didn't change. His heart sinking, the king whispered,
"I'm sorry."
The tears spilled. The Saiyan buried his face in his hands.
"How could you?" he whispered brokenly. "How could you…"
Zha'haabron tentatively slid a hand under the heavy mane to lie against the tense warm neck.
**I couldn't, zk'aida. I could never hurt a child of yours. Of ours**
Radittsu wept silently, not resisting when, after a few minutes, Zha'haabron gently pulled him into strong cold arms, holding him tightly, kissing his mane.
**I'm so sorry… I did not mean to hurt you. I never mean to hurt you, but I still manage to do so. Can you forgive me?**
*Why… why did you do it? Why did you react like that?*
And Zha'haabron *opened* to him, allowing him to feel the emotional turmoil the discovery had caused - and the zn'hre's own sudden, desperate uncertainty of his place in the cosmos, his feelings of disorientation, of loss (of who he'd believed himself to be, of his status, his people), his sheer panic….
Warm arms slid around the shivering body as Radittsu held his bondmate close.
*I didn't know, beloved. There's still so much I don't know… Of course I forgive you. Can you forgive me?*
**For what?**
*For doubting you. And for hitting you…*
Zha'haabron pulled back, cupping the beloved face in cold hands as his own tears fell.
**There is nothing to forgive**
Radittsu turned his head to kiss a pale blue palm, then frowned.
*Yes there is - my allowing you to freeze up here while I wallow in self-pity! Come on…*
He rose, sweeping Zha'haabron into his arms and racing back down to the camp, ki flaring around him to keep the cold air from his love.
The following day the Saiyans, children, Ti'aasaan and guards flew directly to the spacecraft, with recording equipment and scribers this time. Jeice wanted to see the discovery, and Radittsu was happy to carry him - although the little subo had actually 're-charged' sufficiently to be able to fly himself, they all thought he'd be better off saving his energy. Leteetza had rather hoped that Jeice might recognise the ship, or know something about the zhaneer, but he shook his head sadly.
"I'm sorry. I have never even heard the name, or any variation of it - they are not a species the Omanir have dealt with."
It was a pity, but couldn't be helped. They should be able to find out everything they needed from the ship itself. The children excitedly divided into groups and set off to explore.
Meanwhile, back at the camp, Zha'haabron slept late, rose leisurely - and then spent the next six hours on the comm link, speaking to Ish'nadris, Gh'heegonan, Ubi (via Manzano), the Feeodoreean Advisory Council (also via Manzano), Vejiita (direct - between themselves they'd dispensed with the protocol. The Saiya-jin-no-Ou was less than wholly fascinated by their discoveries, but the king put that down to the fact that FullMoon was fast approaching)...
It's amazing how quickly a major research project can be organised when it's being organised by a zn'hre who will not take no for an answer. By the end of the afternoon a highly qualified team of Feeodoreean physicists and biochemists were on their way from Feeod; tz'een xenobiologists and medical specialists had set off from several enclaves; the Thinkers on Vejiitasei were scouring their archives for any mention of the zhaneer, no matter how remote or unlikely; and word was travelling from enclave to enclave to pull together anyone who had any knowledge of formal R'ren'nkh'ia-go - along with an order from the High King to search for any scrap of information on the ancient legends, whether in the enclave libraries, personal records, or even oral accounts. Zha'haabron was nothing if not thorough.
It was evening before everyone returned from the ship, chattering and hissing excitedly, elated and very hungry. Zh'lata and a couple of the guards had prepared a feast - several large animal carcasses and piles of fruit - for latemeal, and Zha'haabron had expected the children to tuck in right away. Instead, they stood before him, smiling almost shyly. The king glanced at his bondmate.
**What…?**
Radittsu smirked and hugged him from behind, his tail caressing the king's heavily swollen belly.
*Relax, beloved. It's a surprise…*
Curious, head inclined as he watched the assembled young ones, Zha'haabron smiled encouragingly. 'haabron nudged 'zhasaan, who blushed a delicate shade of blue and walked shyly to stand in front of his sire. His hands were behind his back.
"Papa - we found something… well, 'haabron found it really…" the hostling glanced over his shoulder; 'haabron nodded and made little shooing gestures with his hands. 'zhasaan turned back to his sire.
"And we thought you should have it."
He pulled his hands from behind his back. He'd been carrying a box made of some delicate silicate material, a deep matte black with what looked like stars sparkling deep within. Zha'haabron ran his fingers over the almost frictionless surface, intrigued by the illusion of depth. The container alone was exquisite…
*Aren't you going to open it?*
Radittsu's *voice* was amused, and Zha'haabron chuckled. With great ceremony, and aware of the eager children holding their breath as he did so, he carefully lifted the lid.
And caught his breath.
He'd never seen jewellery quite so lovely. Triple-stranded earrings cascading from a large stone, the gems black like their box but the stars within them glowing with inner fire, white and blue and a violet so bright it almost hurt. There was a matching headband, of plaited glittering multi-stranded metal with a cabochon of the star-gem, hung with more strands of the breathtaking jewels.
He tore his gaze from them and regarded the children, feeling his eyes tearing.
"… thank you…"
Radittsu hugged him.
"'haabron found them in the biggest suite. We think - well, we guess anyway - that they probably belonged to Zha'zhasaan himself. And we think you should have them. And wear them." The big male was trembling with happiness. "For us. Because we love you, and you're precious."
Overcome, Zha'haabron beckoned the children close, hugging them all tightly as the tears ran down his face. Last of all was 'haabron, who ceremoniously replaced his sire's old earrings with the new jewels - then stepped back and dropped to one knee, bowing his head.
"My Ssii'iin..."
And the whole camp followed suit.
They stayed at the mountains for seven days, then, much to their regret, had to start the return trip. But by then the research teams had arrived and set up two camps, the primary one at the base of the mountain, the other in the hollow close to the ship itself, and the project had started in earnest. And the closest they had to a specialist in formal R'ren'nkh'ian - an ancient ko'ish'n brood called Zh'nast - had arrived with her attendants and a couple of pupils: overjoyed to be helping the High King solve the riddle of the zn'hre's origins (in common with most of her type she'd never truly believed that the zn'hre were native), she swore to record everything faithfully and accurately and report back at regular intervals.
Their last night was celebrated with another feast, and they even managed to persuade the Feeodoreean researchers to stop working for a few hours and join them - although even so all they did was talk about what they'd discovered so far and what it might mean… Though a couple of them did take a few minutes to give Vinas the news from his homeworld.
Radittsu was in his usual place behind Zha'haabron, arms around the king's shoulders and tail stroking his belly. He nuzzled at the strong blue neck, kissing behind the zn'hre's ear.
*Sorry to be going back?*
Zha'haabron sighed and relaxed in his embrace.
**Not really. It has been - interesting, and no doubt will continue to be so, but I'm tired**
*Are you going to hand over to Gh'heegonan when we get back? You promised you would, remember, when things…*
**Yes, I do remember, and yes, I believe it is now time. I will rest for the remainder of the hosting**
The Saiyan narrowed his eyes suspiciously.
*Really rest?*
**Well, I want to see if I can help with the translations, and of course I wish to be notified of any breakthroughs…**
*So you're not really going to rest, then.*
Zha'haabron twisted to press a kiss to his bondmate's jaw.
**I have to do something or I will be bored. This is quiet, peaceful, interesting work that does not require me to do much more than sit and read**
Radittsu nodded.
*I suppose so. Very well - but you sleep as often as you need to, agreed?*
**Agreed…** There was a moment's silence then, sadly, **When do you leave?**
The Saiyan tightened his grip.
*In forty two days. I'm going to miss you so much…*
**But it is not for long**
*A day would be too long.*
The king glanced at Zha'haarak. The gentle zn'hre was nestled in Jeice's arms: he'd lost weight and was looking drawn. He was, just, coping, but the separation was getting harder to bear rather than easier, for Hijau as well.
Zha'haabron frowned to himself. He'd try to persuade Vejiita to allow the young guard to return with Leteetza and Radittsu after FullMoon. Surely the Saiya-jin-no-Ou couldn't object to that?
Leteetza and Ti'aasaan had started hustling the sleepy children into the main vehicle - not a popular move, but it was well past midnight, and they wanted to make an early start. Radittsu sighed and stirred.
*I suppose we'd better go in too. It's getting cold.*
Zha'haabron laid a hand on his tail.
**Would you mind taking me back to the peak? Just for a last look**
The Saiyan kissed his neck.
*Of course not. Will you be warm enough?*
**If I may borrow your warmth**
*It's yours for the taking…*
The Feeodoreeans were back at work, tirelessly determined to pry every last byte of information from the alien craft. Enveloped in Radittsu's ki, the bondmates hung in the air and watched them for a while. Zha'haabron sighed.
**I wonder if they still exist?**
*The zhaneer? Why do you say that?*
**It has been well over two thousand years, zk'vissin. A lot can happen in two years, let alone two thousand**
Radittsu was silent for a moment, then he grinned.
*Well, we'll just have to find out where they live and go and visit, won't we…*
See the Murmurings sequence in the First Alliance Chronicle
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