Ghosts pt 3
Four days after Jeice and Radittsu had left…
The Saiya-jin-no-Ou was at his desk, his Guard, as ever, in watchful silence at his back. Suddenly, Zorun stiffened and growled, his tail lashing. Vejiita cocked an eyebrow: there was no discernible threat, that must mean…
"Your mate?" he queried. Zorun's expression didn't change save for the darkening of his eyes.
"Go." The King dismissed his guard. Zorun sketched a bow, and left.
"I can't, Nonnia," Mahrayne pleaded with her tertera over the suite's comm-link, "I'm so close…"
"Please don't make this any harder for me than it has to be, Mahrayne," Nonnia whispered hoarsely, her face haggard and her eyes red-rimmed. Mahrayne tried to ignore her rising panic, unconsciously curling her arms protectively around her bulging abdomen. She gnawed her bottom lip, and nodded reluctantly.
"Thank you," Nonnia was heart-rendingly grateful, the older female on the verge of tears, "there's a transport in transit to Vejiitasei at the moment -"
"I'll be on it when it returns." Mahrayne whispered.
Nonnia placed her palm against the screen, the tears tracking down her face; Mahrayne could barely hear her next words.
"Thank you, daughter."
Mahrayne closed the connection and sat slumped at the console, her hands pressed against her eyes. She jumped at the light touch on her shoulder.
"What's happened?"
The suite was empty after the midday meal save for herself, Leteetza and her babies. The little female stood beside her now, 'dittsu held securely against her hip.
Mahrayne swallowed. "My mother has died, I have to return to Hassina."
"The fuck you are!"
Zorun's growl startled her, she hadn't noticed her mate step in from the balcony. He knelt beside her, and Mahrayne took shelter in his strong, comforting embrace.
"I agree," Leteetza frowned, "you can't go."
"I have to." Mahrayne's jaw was set.
"Why?" the little female was belligerent.
"Tella can't be given the final rites until I'm there." Mahrayne's lips compressed into a hard line at the look of exasperated disbelief on her friend's face. "I don't expect you to agree, or even understand, 'teetza, but it's important. I have to go."
Leteetza opened her mouth to protest, but Zorun cut in.
"You're not going by yourself at any rate." he rumbled to his mate. Leteetza grimaced at Zorun.
"I suppose if the baka can't be dissuaded she can at least have an escort. You volunteering?" He nodded curtly. Leteetza turned back to Mahrayne.
"How long is this going to take?"
"It's not a clearly defined length of time…"
Leteetza's snort betrayed her irritation.
"I'm sorry if my people's beliefs aren't as clear cut as yours!" Mahrayne flared, "But I'm fucking going to Hassina and I'm fucking staying there until this is over!"
Leteetza gathered her composure with a visible effort. She sighed and stroked Mahrayne's shoulder apologetically.
"I'm sorry."
The Hassinan's smile was wobbly, trembling.
"I forgive you." she said in a small voice.
Leteetza smirked, then sobered. "Seriously, 'rayne, do you have any idea how long it will be?" she indicated Mahrayne's abdomen, "Will you be back here for the brat's birth?"
"Yes." Mahrayne said with more confidence than she felt. "I've got at least thirty days to go - I'll be home before then."
Leteetza nodded and sighed.
"Very well, but you're not to stay a moment longer than necessary!"
Mahrayne's voice was dry.
"Don't worry, I won't."
Zorun could feel his mate trembling in his arms even though she was trying to put a brave face on it; 'rayne wasn't just anxious or upset, she was terrified. He came to a reluctant, unanticipated, decision.
"Can you stay with her for a little while?" he asked Leteetza. The little female looked surprised, but nodded.
"Where are you going?" Mahrayne asked him as he stood up, her scent tinged with panic.
Zorun stroked a lock of thick white hair away from her face. "I won't be long, don't worry."
He flew to Guard Headquarters…
Zorun knew, as soon as he saw Kelapa, that the islander female had realised something was wrong with Mahrayne long before he got there – he didn't want to look too closely at what that implied.
"What's happened?" she said curtly.
"Mahrayne has to go back to Hassina."
Kelapa stared at him. "And you're letting her?!"
Zorun scowled. "Given any choice in the matter, no - but she's determined." He smirked mirthlessly. "And when has anyone been able to dissuade Mahrayne from something once she's made up her mind."
Kelapa folded her arms across her chest and sneered at him.
"So why are you telling me? No doubt you'll be going with her?"
"Yes. And you should come too."
Kel glared at him. "I don't think so."
Zorun suppressed his irritation. "She needs you, Kelapa."
"No she fucking doesn't, she's got you, and the twins and the whole fucking family fawning over her - "
"Mahrayne needs you."
"That is such crap!"
Zorun shoved a hand through his mane and growled at the obstinate female.
"She needs you. She's been... lost without you." He swallowed the bile this truth generated, and glowered at the female, daring her to mock him. Kelapa pursed her lips and glared at him.
"If she needs me so much - "
"Don't fucking argue!" Zorun snapped, "Come and see her. NOW!"
Kelapa remained motionless, expressionless, though he could easily scent the female's anguish, her bitterness and jealousy - and the aching love she still had for his mate.
"Is that an order? Sir." The female's tone was just shy of insolent.
Zorun looked her straight in the eye. "If it needs to be." he growled.
Leteetza of course scented them as soon as they arrived on the balcony, and she hurried out of Mahrayne's room to meet them. The little female hugged Kel hard.
"About fucking time…"
Kel smirked half-heartedly, then nodded towards the room she used to share with Mahrayne.
"How is she?"
"Determined." Leteetza grimaced. "And so scared she can't think straight, though she's flatly denying that." She gave the warrior a hard smile. "She'll be very happy to see you."
"Maybe." Kel mumbled. Leteetza hugged her again.
"Go and see her."
Kel nodded resignedly and stepped into the suite. Zorun made to follow but Leteetza caught his arm.
"There's a problem." she said softly.
Zorun grimaced. "Worse than my mate having to go back to the people who wanted to kill my cub?"
"I've managed to get some sense out of 'rayne about this whole thing. You're not going to be able to stay with her."
"Why not?" Zorun growled.
"After her mother is buried, interred - whatever it is they do - there's a period of mourning. 'rayne's going to be confined to the female's quarters during this."
The Guard swore. "For how long?"
Leteetza rolled her eyes. "'Until the time for mourning is past.'" She grimaced. "I'm quoting her here."
"Fucking aliens!"
"'rayne's being so fucking stubborn about it!" Leteetza ground her teeth together in frustration. "I don't understand it, but she's absolutely determined to do this 'properly'. She said it could only be for a few days, it could be longer."
The Guard swore viciously.
"And however long Mahrayne's there for, you can't be on-planet for any length of time anyway, not unless you want to get so sick you'd be useless to her."
"I am not fucking leaving her there unprotected!" His brow furrowed as he thought furiously.
"I'll be right back." he said suddenly, taking off into the air and heading towards Vejiitamachi.
Kelapa paused outside the bedroom door, her heart pounding so loudly she wouldn't have been surprised if Mahrayne could hear it. She sighed; Zorun'd said Mahrayne needed her. If she needed her so much why hadn't the little ama come after her, like last time? Kelapa grimaced and almost turned away, but then she caught the Hassinan's scent… Mahrayne was frightened to the point of incoherency, overlaying that was a steely resoluteness - Kelapa leant her forehead on the door and breathed the alien's scent in deeply - and underneath it all there was an empty, lonely despair… Kelapa swore inwardly; even if she truly had no feelings left for Mahrayne she couldn't walk away from that. Kel sighed and knocked lightly on the door before going in.
The Hassinan was sitting cross-legged on the bed, staring out of the window to the gardens beyond.
"Mahrayne?"
Mahrayne swung her head round and looked at the warrior, her golden eyes enormous and round, staring at Kelapa as if she were an apparition.
"Kel?" her lips trembled, and tears began to spill over her pale eyelashes, "Oh, Kel…"
And then Kelapa was there, holding her tightly while Mahrayne sobbed into her chest. Kel's heart contracted painfully, joyfully, and she brushed a kiss over the thick, white hair.
What had she been thinking of, to leave this female?
Kel had felt that rightness - and an easing, a letting go, deep within her - as soon as she'd taken Mahrayne in her arms. She sighed resignedly; it was galling, but she knew she wouldn't be walking away from the Hassinan again anytime soon, not even if Mahrayne wanted it.
With Kelapa there, Mahrayne was feeling more composed than she had for days and the storm of weeping had passed by the time Zorun knocked tentatively on the door. He looked into the room at the two females.
"Can I come in?"
Mahrayne was surprised at his reticence, but then she remembered, he'd never been in here, even after Kel had left. Kelapa nodded curtly and Zorun came into the room, closing the door softly behind him. He knelt on the floor beside the bed, reaching out to hold Mahrayne's hands, his tail reaching out to stroke gently over her belly.
"Those two other Hassinan females, Dignusia and Peruro, have agreed to go with you to Hassina."
Mahrayne's eyes widened fearfully.
"You won't be coming?"
"I can't come down to the planet with you, not for any length of time. They'll stay with you, make sure you come to no harm."
Mahrayne would have argued that any harm that befell her would most likely originate from a source that the females had no influence over - the planet itself - but she didn't think Zorun would have understood. As far as her mate was concerned, it was Mahrayne's people who constituted the worst threat.
"It was only two people who threatened our cub, Zorun, one of them is dead now," Mahrayne said quietly, "and I'm not without friends there…"
He scowled. "I'm not taking any chances."
"'rayne," Kel said, "I want to come with you as well." She frowned, "I know I won't be able to be on-planet with you either, but - " the warrior floundered, and Mahrayne gently touched her cheek.
"I'd appreciate that, thank you," she smiled tremulously at them both, "I'd be so grateful if you could both be there."
Mahrayne felt wrung-out. The shock of hearing about her mother's death, then battling down the superstitious fear that somehow her setting foot on Hassina would hasten its destruction, and then seeing Kelapa again, had left her numb, exhausted.
"Why don't you rest?" Zorun suggested softly when Mahrayne yawned, "you've got a few hours before the evening meal."
Mahrayne nodded, but she didn't let go of her grip on Kel.
"Could you stay with me? Please?" she asked the warrior. Kel smiled lop-sidedly and nodded. Zorun's face was impassive as he stood up to leave.
"Zorun?" Mahrayne was distantly surprised at the panic in her voice. She turned to Kel. "Can he stay too? We'll go to another room if you like but I really need you both…" her voice dropped to a panicky whisper. Kel and Zorun frowned at each other, then Kelapa nodded, albeit reluctantly.
Mahrayne lay down, Zorun behind her, Kelapa in front. She drifted off to sleep, feeling safe and protected between her two Saiyans, her last conscious thought being about the irony of finally having the pair of them in bed with her, but being too exhausted to do anything about it.
Mahrayne had put off packing until the last minute, but the Hassinan transport was in orbit now waiting for clearance to land and she couldn't delay any longer. She absently surveyed the neat piles of bright clothing filling up one of the wall units in her room. There was no need to take much with her, she wouldn't need jewellery, and clothes she could borrow. Mahrayne reached for her favourite heavy boots - the ones stained purple and decorated with whirls of gold thread - then put them back on the shelf with a sigh. No point in taking those, she wouldn't be able to wear something so colourful while she was in mourning. Mahrayne bit back a sob, angrily brushing at her eyes with the back of her hand. This was ridiculous, she wasn't going to miss Tella, why did she feel so desolate?
Because of Nonnia, Mahrayne realised, she wouldn't, couldn't, mourn her mother's death, but she could grieve for her tertera's pain.
A plain pair of boots went into the travel bag along with a couple of simple, heavy robes, then before she'd realised what she was doing, Mahrayne found herself packing the baby sling Nonnia had made for her. Disturbed, the Hassinan snatched it out of the bag and put it back on the shelf.
Or tried to. She couldn't bring herself to replace it, but equally, she couldn't countenance taking it with her because that would be an admission that there was a chance her baby could be born on Hassina and Mahrayne was absolutely determined that that wasn't going to happen. But then - she gnawed her at her bottom lip again, making it bleed - she was so close, wouldn't it be best to be prepared? Mahrayne hastily stuffed the sling back into her bag, shoving it right down the bottom where she couldn't see it.
"Ready?" Kel had come into the room and gently laid a hand on Mahrayne's shoulder. "The transport's landed and taken on a new crew. It'll be ready to leave in a couple of hours."
Mahrayne covered the Saiyan's strong hand with her own slim, gold one. She gave Kelapa a tiny smile.
"I'd better start saying goodbye then, it'll take me that long to get through it all."
The warrior chuckled at Mahrayne's attempt at humour, then picked up the Hassinan's travel bag, slinging it over her shoulder.
"Zorun said he'll meet us at the transport." Kel informed Mahrayne as they stepped out onto the balcony. Mahrayne nodded absently, then smiled at the little faces pressed against the balcony window - it was still too cold for the hostlings to come outside. She was going to miss the children, even if it was only going to be for a few days. Mahrayne waved one last time to her students, then Kel scooped her up and took off into the chill afternoon air.
Mahrayne cuddled into Kel's secure embrace, content for the moment just to be with the Saiyan. The past few days had been kind of strange. Since returning to the suite, Kelapa had rarely left Mahrayne's side, but neither of them had tried to resume their previous relationship. Not a complete surprise, Mahrayne was so busy dealing with her conflicting emotions about returning to Hassina she didn't have any energy left to think about sex, but it had been wonderfully comforting to sleep next to the warrior again. Maybe, once this was all finished, they'd be able to start over.
Zorun had spent the past couple of nights with them as well. Neither of the Saiyans were entirely comfortable with this, Mahrayne knew, but she needed them both so much right now, and she was so obviously - wretchedly - grateful to them, they didn't complain. True, they studiously avoided interacting with each other and they couldn't quite hide their animosity but Mahrayne, who felt secure only when she was nestled between them, was largely able to ignore that uneasiness.
Mahrayne's moods fluctuated wildly during the trip to Hassina, flipping between anger and guilt, sorrow and terror. In the relatively still times between mood changes, Mahrayne worried how all this was affecting her child, but he didn't seem to be distressed, and his movements within her were quiet and gentle. Dignusia and Peruro had, wisely, stayed out of the way, leaving Mahrayne to her Saiyans, and Vinas - whom Leteetza had insisted accompany them, and Mahrayne didn't have the energy to protest - had kept to himself as well, save for the daily, brief, check-ups he gave Mahrayne.
Mahrayne continued to sleep between the Saiyans, when she was able to sleep at all, more often than not finding herself staring out of one of the viewports, lost in a curious sort of apathetic numbness. Mahrayne realised, distantly, that Kel and Zorun were worried about her, and she was never left alone, but she just couldn't muster the energy to reassure them.
Just over an hour 'til the transport docked with the transfer station, and Mahrayne could feel her torpor beginning to lift. Zorun was showering, Kel was dozing on the cramped bed the three of them had shared; Mahrayne sighed and began to unbind her hair.
"What are you doing?" Kel looked up sleepily.
"It's… custom." Mahrayne began stripping off her bangles and rings and earrings, placing them in a bright pile on the cabin's small table. "While we're mourning, we don’t wear jewellery, and we leave our hair loose and unadorned." She shrugged awkwardly out of her richly embroidered robe, folding it neatly before reaching into her travel bag for one of the heavy, plain robes she'd brought with her.
"Let me help you with that." Kel rolled off the bunk and stood upright with an enviable - to Mahrayne in her current, ungainly, state - fluid grace. The warrior smoothed the thick material down over Mahrayne's shoulders, reaching behind her neck and flicking the heavy fall of white hair our from beneath the robe. Mahrayne felt a dizzy jolt of desire, the first since Nonnia had contacted her several days ago, and she gazed hesitantly up at the Saiyan even as she swayed towards her. Kelapa half-smiled, cupping her cheek with a strong hand, running her thumb slowly over Mahrayne's cheek beads. The females looked at each other, warm-brown and dark-golden eyes locked on one another for an endless moment, both aware of the other's need, and mutually understanding that now was not the time to address that need.
The moment passed; Kel withdrew her hand leaving Mahrayne feeling inexplicably cold.
The Hassinan smiled, a little coyly.
"Maybe, when we return to Vejiitasei, we could go for a walk, yes?"
Mahrayne was referring obliquely to her first meeting with the warrior; would Kel understand the reference, and the hope it represented for them?
Kelapa understood: she smirked. "Heh, maybe this time you'll ask sensible questions."
They were laughing together, quietly, when Zorun emerged from the tiny bathroom, the big male's face unreadable as his gaze flicked over them. Mahrayne smiled softly at him, then she spotted the pile of jewellery on the table and her face fell; there was one piece of jewellery she hadn't removed yet. She undid the clasp of the fine chain that held the flower pendant Zorun had given her. Mahrayne looked down at the exquisite little ornament cupped in her palm, she hadn't taken it off since Zorun had first fastened it around her neck - she felt vulnerable without it.
"Can I look after that for you?" Kel said gently, then looked at the big male as an afterthought, "If you don't mind?" Her tone was frankly challenging and Zorun's eyes narrowed but he shook his head fractionally. Kelapa fastened the necklace around her own neck, tucking it away out of sight into her bodysuit.
Vinas, Dignusia and Peruro joined them at the transport's air-lock and the six of them waited in silence for the signal to step through onto the transfer point.
The journey to the surface was quick, and uncomfortable for Mahrayne who could feel the heavier gravity tugging maliciously at her even before the shuttle had descended past Hassina's crust. She ruthlessly quashed her fear and discomfort; if she let on to the Saiyans just how bad she was feeling, they wouldn't let her go through with this, and she had to, she had to.
Her distress became harder to hide, though, once she set foot on the planet and the seemingly doubled weight of her child almost made her knees buckle. He was so heavy, and the air was so thick she could barely drag it into her lungs.
"I'm fine!" Mahrayne snapped when both of the Saiyans made a grab for her. "I just need a minute to adjust –"
"I don't like this." Zorun was scowling. "You shouldn't be here."
"Please, Zorun," Mahrayne whispered, "I have to do this."
Her mate's scowl deepened, his unhappiness with the situation showing clearly on his angular face, then he nodded and picked Mahrayne up, growling her to silence when she tried to protest.
There were a few Korijin waiting for her outside the terminus – Tzegh, Asond and Rhund – and Pirum, looking tiny in comparison to the massive aliens, and sombre in her plain, dark mourning robes. The young Hassinan's small pointed face lit up brightly when she spotted her elder sister.
"rayne! I'm so glad you're here, it's been awful." She reached up to take Mahrayne's hand, tears spilling over her silver eyelashes. "Nonnia's so upset – I'm scared she might kill herself too."
"'What do you mean?" Mahrayne queried as she absently tried to push out of Zorun's grip. After a moment, the male set her gently down and she immediately went to her knees, cuddling Pirum close to her, her own discomfort forgotten.
Pirum lowered her voice, switching to Hassinan.
"Tella killed herself."
Mahrayne frowned; she'd assumed that her mother had died from the wasting disease afflicting her, but suicide wasn't that unusual, and she could understand how Nonnia must feel…
"She went to the baths when Nonnia was away doing something, and – and then she slit her wrists." Pirum was sobbing.
"What? Nonnia wasn't with her?"
"No, no one was. She was all alone."
Mahrayne gazed fixedly at nothing while she hugged Pirum tightly, fighting down the anger that threatened to overwhelm her. Of all the selfish...
Deaths on Hassina - especially anticipated deaths – were, like births, communal affairs. The dying were never left alone, if it could be at all helped, their family and friends comforting and supporting them right up until their soul had left for the afterlife. It was also an important ritual for the living; being there to farewell a loved one helped you let them go, so you could move on. Mahrayne could attest to the benefits of that. To die alone was a terrifying idea for a Hassinan, yet Tella had chosen to die like that, and worse, she had chosen to deliberately exclude her lover of almost forty years from the final parting.
Was she punishing Nonnia? Herself? For what?
"'rayne?"
Mahrayne blinked, choking back the soft, pain-filled keening sound she hadn't realised she'd been making, and looked at Kelapa, who was kneeling beside her, gently stroking her hair, her long, soft tail wrapped around Mahrayne's ribs.
"Are you all right?" The warrior made no effort to hide her worry.
Mahrayne nodded, belatedly realising she'd been crying.
"Hello, Kelapa," Pirum was smiling tearfully at the Saiyan. "It's good to see you."
"Hello, brat," Kel smirked, and ruffled the child's gleaming silver hair. She turned her attention back to Mahrayne, hugging her tightly.
"The sooner you do this, the sooner it'll be over, right?"
Mahrayne nodded again, not trusting herself to speak.
"We'll go, then," Kel jerked her head in Zorun's direction. She looked sternly at the young female held comfortingly in Mahrayne's arms. "You look after your sister for me, ne?"
Pirum nodded gravely, then wrapped her arms around the warrior's neck. "I will, I promise."
Kel gave the youngster a brief, awkward hug, then helped Mahrayne to stand.
"We'll be on the transport, we can be down here quickly if you need us."
Mahrayne leant into the female, taking comfort from her strength, and obscurely heartened by Kel's referring to herself and Zorun as 'we'.
Zorun held her, his kiss soft and lingering as his tail wrapped around her body. He didn't say anything, but he spoke volumes with his eyes – concern, unease, irritation and love.
"I'll see you soon, yes?" Mahrayne smiled. Zorun half-smiled then reluctantly stepped away from her. Kel hugged her again and kissed her cheek.
"If you need anything..."
"I know." Mahrayne whispered, pressing her own kiss to the Saiyan's cheek.
She watched the Guards step back into the shuttle terminus, not allowing herself to cry again until they were well out of sight.
Mahrayne was apologetic as she greeted the Korijin, she hadn't meant to ignore them. Tzegh smiled ferociously at her, the lead female pulling her into a gentle embrace.
"We understand." A huge, blue-furred paw stroked Mahrayne's hair as if she was a cub - it was oddly comforting. "There's a supitso waiting, let's get you back to your people."
The Korijin escorted them as far as the entrance to Marldus's settlement - Vinas would be travelling on to the Feeodoreean quarters - then Dignusia and Peruro took over, supporting Mahrayne between them, the white-haired female unconsciously gnawing at her bottom lip as she concentrated on keeping upright. Mahrayne was worried, she didn't seem to be adjusting to the heavier gravity at all, her child was sitting like a rock in her pelvis – the pressure of his weight pushing against her pelvic bone was an increasingly painful ache. And there were cracks in the wall, fine cracks marring the surface of the mosaics – the cracks were getting wider... Mahrayne closed her eyes and fought for breath, close to mindless panic – she and her child were going to die here…
"rayne? 'rayne?" Pirum's frightened voice called her back. Mahrayne opened her eyes again, and gasped. The walls were as they had always been, unmarked, no cracks. She shuddered, what the fuck had just happened?
"I'm fine." Mahrayne croaked out as reassuringly as she could, "I'm fine."
Pirum was unusually quiet as she trotted ahead of the three older females, glancing back worriedly at her sister.
The journey to her father's household had never seemed so long, but they got there at last. Mahrayne was given subdued greetings by the other females – they were glad to see her of course, it just wasn't appropriate to be effusive – except for Ientus and Iocor, her brother's females, who squealed and engulfed her in bright hugs. They weren't blood relatives of Tella's so they weren't restricted to mourning clothes and Mahrayne's heart lifted at the vivid colours the sisters wore, and their enthusiastic welcome; she hugged them back.
"Mahrayne?"
She almost didn't hear Nonnia, the older female's voice was cracked to the point of being nearly soundless. Ientus and Iocor stood aside to let Mahrayne's tertera approach. She looked haggard, gaunt – Mahrayne noticed – the grief appeared to have eroded channels in the skin on her face...
"Oh... Mahrayne, I didn't realise - " Nonnia was looking at her, her eyes large with concern and guilt. Mahrayne sighed.
"Did you think I was joking, Nonnia, when I said I was close?"
Nonnia bustled forward. "You must rest, Mahrayne."
Mahrayne held up a hand. "No. Please can we just get this over with."
A shadow passed over Nonnia's face and she pulled herself rigidly, coldly upright, clasping her hands tightly in front of her.
"If you wish."
"Oh, Nonnia," Mahrayne was horrified at her lack of tact, "I didn't mean to belittle your grief with hurrying but – "
"I know, 'rayne," the older female softened again, fresh tears trickling down her face. She stroked Mahrayne's cheek. "You wish to get back to your life."
Mahrayne nodded, feeling miserable – it was the truth after all, the sooner she was finished here, the sooner she could go home.
"Rest for a little while, at least, I need to speak to you alone anyway, before – before we give Tella the final rites." Nonnia's voice broke again, and Mahrayne took the older female in her arms, glad she could offer some comfort at least.
Mahrayne's alcove had been left vacant, for which she was heartily grateful. She guided Nonnia there now, settling her on the bed and drawing the curtains; Nonnia had said she wanted to speak to her alone, this was about as private as it was going to get. Mahrayne waited for Nonnia to speak, the female was twisting her hands agitatedly in her lap.
"Before you say farewell to your mother," Nonnia spoke very quietly, "there is something I think you should know." Mahrayne was silent, her unease growing by the second.
"You know about your naming – " Nonnia began and Mahrayne's mouth compressed. Yes, she knew who she was named for, a child who had seemed perfectly normal, if quiet, when she was born, but as time passed and still the little female did nothing except eat and sleep, not even interacting with her mother, it was confirmed by the healers that something was very wrong. As it was obvious the child would be unable to ever do anything for herself, she'd been passed on before she was half a year old. Mahrayne had been devastated when she'd found out where her name came from, unable to comprehend the malice behind Tella's choice of name for her.
"What you didn't know," Nonnia said quietly, "was that your mother didn't ask anyone to be your name parent, and she made Astolan promise he wouldn't ask anyone either."
Mahrayne's hand flew to her mouth as she stared in horror at her tertera. Name parents were a vital part of family life, binding the households together: to not be given name parents was tantamount to abandonment, exile from the family...
"Genesia, Licium and myself, and Marldus, volunteered to be your name parents." Nonnia's voice contained a thread of hard metal now, "it was not your fault you were... born as you were." She managed a small, wry smile. "Tella didn't speak to me for several seasons, but I'm glad I'm one of your name parents. I have never regretted that decision."
Mahrayne was shaking with reaction.
"Why are you telling me this, Nonnia? It could have remained a secret with no harm done."
Nonnia clasped Mahrayne's hand, looking earnestly into her dark-gold eyes. "I wanted you to know everything so – so you could forgive your mother fully."
"How can I forgive her, Nonnia?" Mahrayne beseeched the older female, "Tella's behaviour, her treatment of me –"
"Her treatment of you," Nonnia laid a gentle hand against Mahrayne's cheek, "has gone towards making you who you are now."
Mahrayne burst into tears. "Why did she hate me so much? I don't understand."
"I'm not sure, precious," Nonnia pulled the younger female into her arms, "I think the disappointment – twisted her somehow."
Nonnia let Mahrayne cry herself out, until she was merely sniffling, then she sat her up and regarded her calmly.
"There's something else…"
Mahrayne gave a short bark of bitter laughter. "'Something else'?"
Nonnia reached into the sleeve of her robe and pulled out a folded piece of paper that had been roughly sealed with a small blob of gum, she hesitantly handed it to Mahrayne.
"Tella wrote this shortly before she died."
Mahrayne gingerly took the paper; her name was scrawled across one side of it – she could almost feel the vitriol steeped in the ink...
"Please remember, Tella wasn't in her right mind towards the end." Nonnia cautioned Mahrayne as she gently opened out the paper.
Tears blurred her sight again as she read.
I wish you, and that abomination you carry, all
that you deserve.
Mahrayne carefully refolded the paper, the last thing her mother had to say to her, then she smiled tiredly at Nonnia.
"Let's give Tella the final rites now."
Nonnia, Pirum and Olla – Pirum's mother and Tella's sister - walked with Mahrayne to the burial chambers, Dignusia and Peruro followed at a discreet distance.
There, Marldus greeted her warmly, touching her shoulder briefly.
"Daughter, I am glad you could be here."
Mahrayne nodded, carefully not looking at her father, smiling instead at Malum. Her younger brother was here to support her, she was sure of that. He wasn't a blood relative of Tella's, and certainly no friend of hers, by rights he shouldn't be here at all. Mahrayne wondered how he'd managed to persuade Astolan to let him attend. Malum stepped forward and touched her shoulder, his fingers tightening momentarily around her.
"Are you all right, 'rayne? You don't look very well." he asked softly.
"I'm just tired, Malum." Mahrayne felt perilously close to tears again at his concern. "Thank you for being here." The young male smiled down at her, then went back to stand behind the Lead Speaker.
"Are we ready?" Marldus intoned softly, waiting for confirmation before striding into the burial chamber.
It was frigid in here, and gloomy, the brightly coloured mosaics depicting the delights awaiting in the afterlife doing nothing to lift Mahrayne's spirits; everyone had worn thick fur cloaks, but still the cold of the place seemed to seep into their bones. One by one, the mourners – except for Dignusia and Peruro, and Malum, who had remained outside – approached the body stretched out on the bier to say their final farewells. As Mahrayne numbly waited her turn, her eyes roamed over the mosaics. She'd seen them before, many times, but she'd never really seen them. According to the artists who had spent countless hours building the pictures from tiny pieces of coloured rock and bright metals, the afterlife was a place of ease and beauty. There was plenty of food to be had, judging by the number of animals depicted, and there were plants – low, flowering things, and taller, thicker, colourful forms that Mahrayne recognised now were trees. The patterned background to the sky ran to several shades of blues and pinks and greens, and – there weren't any clouds. Mahrayne realised, suddenly, she could be looking at images of Vejiitasei in the warm season...
Pirum tugged on her hand.
"It's your turn, 'rayne." she whispered. Mahrayne smiled down at the child, then sighed silently, ineffably sad, reluctant to take that first step. But she'd come this far...
Tella had been laid out in her favourite robe, a rich green one with gold embroidery, and likewise she was wearing many pieces of her favourite jewellery. Her long silver hair had been intricately braided and beaded, and then lovingly arranged around her head and shoulders. Nonnia would have done that, Mahrayne thought with a pang of sadness; she'd done similar for Genesia.
Mahrayne gently touched the chill flesh of her mother's cheek, feeling oddly relieved. It was Tella's body, but her mother wasn't there. Mahrayne bowed her head and bent forward from her hips as far as she could given her advanced pregnancy. It wasn't the correct position for a formal apology, but it was the best she could manage at this time.
"I am so sorry, mother." Mahrayne whispered the apology from her heart, and then, as she could honestly think of nothing else to say, she straightened up and turned away – to turn back again as she remembered her mother's note. Mahrayne gently tucked the piece of paper securely under her mother's cold hand.
"Travel safely, mother," Mahrayne's lips brushed over Tella's forehead, "we'll discuss this when I get there."
Mahrayne stood beside Nonnia, her arm wrapped comfortingly around the older female's waist, as Marldus, Olla and Astolan reverently lifted Tella's body from the bier. A small section of the patterned wall swung open at Pirum's touch, revealing a dark, oval shaped hole, from which emanated an acrid heat. Nonnia keened her grief as her lover's body was slid into this opening, and gently pushed through until it began to slide easily down the smooth, inclined shaft that led to a lava flow. Tella's body would be consumed by the planet while her soul flew to be reunited with her ancestors in the after-life…
Nonnia, supported by Mahrayne and Olla, was still sobbing when they exited the burial chamber. While being able to empathise with her tertera's grief, Mahrayne felt strangely… light, as if she'd shrugged off a garment she'd not realised had been heavy until it had gone. Olla was pale, even though she'd not been close to her sister, it was still a wrench having her gone so suddenly, and Pirum - Pirum merely seemed thoughtful. Astolan and Marldus were keeping their emotions to themselves, as was proper, but Malum was very obviously concerned for his elder sister. Mahrayne smiled wearily at him, and nodded, she was fine, he was not to worry. She would have to rest soon though, she was exhausted and the ache in her pelvis had diminished a little, but not significantly, she doubted she'd be able to keep supporting Nonnia for much longer.
Astolan coldly eyed Dignusia and Peruro as the females diffidently approached the group.
"What do you want?"
Peruro lowered her head. "With respect, Astolan, we've come to escort Mahrayne back to the household -"
"No." the male stated flatly. "Go back to your own household."
"But - "
"I said NO." Astolan glared at them. "My daughter is in mourning now and by tradition she will have no contact with anyone outside the household."
Peruro was nervously firm. "Again with respect, Astolan -"
"NO!" Astolan roared, prompting an irrational surge of pure, disgusted anger in Mahrayne. "It's tradition -"
" Fuck tradition!" Mahrayne snapped, startling her father to an open-mouthed silence. "Your adherence to traditions," she sneered, "your inflexibility will kill you, destroy your household!"
Astolan stared at her. "You've taken leave of your senses."
Mahrayne's eyes glinted coldly, and she smiled, an unpleasant smile, her lips drawn back to reveal her sharp, double canines. "'Taken leave of my senses'?" she chuckled dryly, "You may be right. I am my mother's daughter, after all, maybe I'm insane too." Beside her, she felt Nonnia stiffen, heard her indrawn breath. But Mahrayne was focused on Astolan; she watched the idea take hold in her father's mind - his eagerness to accept that flippant statement as fact sickened her. Her dark-golden eyes bored into his.
"It would explain so much," she almost-crooned at him, "wouldn't it?"
"Mahrayne - " the lead speaker's rebuke was mild, but pain-filled, and Mahrayne was instantly contrite, after all, it was his daughter's sanity she'd called into question. She cursed herself silently, what had prompted her to that outrageous, callously unfeeling display?
"I apologise, Lead Speaker, there is no excuse for such behaviour." she whispered abjectly, lowering her head.
"I think it best if you return to your household now, daughter."
Mahrayne nodded numbly. Peruro spoke up again.
"With respect, Lead Speaker. We promised Mahrayne's male we'd look after her." The pretty female shrugged apologetically. "He wouldn't have let her come otherwise."
"I wouldn't want to anger him," Dignusia, surprisingly, added, "he's very intimidating."
Through her lowered lashes, Mahrayne saw Marldus's mouth twitch into a small, instantly hidden smile; she also noticed - with great satisfaction - her father blanch at the mention of her mate.
"In that case," Marldus said smoothly, "It would be for the best if you carried out Zorun's instructions. Mahrayne -" he turned to her, "- you have my permission to speak with these two females during your mourning."
"Thank you, Lead Speaker." Mahrayne murmured demurely.
Dignusia lightly touched Mahrayne's elbow. "I really think you ought to rest now." she said quietly. Mahrayne nodded tiredly and the females headed back to their quarters.
When they reached Astolan's household, Nonnia turned away from Mahrayne, disappearing straight into her alcove, pulling the curtains closed after her. Mahrayne's heart sank - Nonnia hadn't said a word to her since her outburst outside the burial chambers, had barely looked at her, in fact. Mahrayne mentally kicked herself again. How could she have hurt her tertera like that - even for the dubious pleasure of making her father squirm? She thanked Dignusia and Peruro for their help, gently refused their offer to fetch her some food, then sighed and walked purposefully towards Nonnia's alcove.
Mahrayne pulled the curtains back a little, peering timidly into the alcove: the older female was huddled under a sleeping fur, her back to the entrance.
"Nonnia?"
No answer.
Mahrayne awkwardly climbed onto the bed and, supporting herself on her hands, knelt in the closest approximation she could to the formal apology posture.
"I am so sorry, Nonnia, that was unforgivable of me. I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry."
There was a few moments of silence, then Nonnia sighed, and turned over to face Mahrayne.
"Don't apologise, Mahrayne, you're right, after all. Tella was – Tella... " the female covered her face with her hands as she began to cry.
"Oh, Nonnia…"
Mahrayne lay down beside her tertera, wrapping the female lovingly in her arms. There was nothing she could say to help Nonnia feel better about her lover's death, so she stayed silent, holding her tertera until she'd cried herself to sleep, and then she too drifted into a fitful, but dreamless, slumber.
© 2002 October 9th Amanda Mullane
