Retreat
He woke abruptly, painfully tense - then immediately relaxed, cuddling the small body in his arms closer to his warmth, breathing in the sweetly spicy scent as the sleeping Ti'aasaan nestled against him.
He still wasn't used to this. Wasn't sure he ever would get used to it. Or whether he actually wanted to get used to it: he had no guarantee that the little zn'hre would stay with him, after all, he'd left Jagung and Merica…
But they already had each other, I'm alone… Zorun nuzzled the silky pale hair, wondering anew exactly what had compelled the little lizard to come to him that night. He'd been afraid to ask, afraid of scaring Ti'aasaan away, when after nine nights it began to look as though the zn'hre was going to be a fixture in his bed and in his life. For a while, at least.
Zorun didn't want to lose him.
He didn't understand their relationship, and knew from the puzzled *glances* the family gave him that they were confused too. All except Zha'haabron - but then nothing ever seemed to faze the High King. All he knew was that the awful pain of Mahrayne's betrayal, Kelapa's treachery, was slowly easing. He still couldn't think of either of them without a surge of rage or despair, but it was easier to not think of them, now, with Ti'aasaan's gently affectionate company to look forward to at the end of each day.
They were still at the barracks - Zorun still couldn't face the thought of returning to quarters in the palace, and Ti'aasaan hadn't asked him to - though his rooms looked a little different now. Warmer, more comfortable, more colourful, a larger, deeper bed covered with deep soft furs, furs on the floor, a deep-chiming crystal mobile at the window, spraying colour around the room, a small audio unit and a selection of music chips that they played very quietly while they ate and relaxed… They spoke very little, content just to be together.
They hadn't fucked.
It was that last that left Zorun especially bewildered. Ti'aasaan was beautiful, and not in the least averse to sex, but somehow they just - didn't. And Zorun found he didn't mind. It was soothing, curiously healing, to simply enjoy being with the zn'hre. No demands, no expectations, just the little lizard's presence, his scent, his gentle touch, his company, a bright warm comfort in the Saiyan's life…
He kissed Ti'aasaan's cool forehead as the zn'hre stirred and sighed, one small slender hand shifting to rest over his tail, stroking very lightly. Zorun closed his eyes, breathing slowly, reluctant to disturb his bedmate but aware that time was passing and he was due on duty…
**It's all right, zk'vissin. I should get back anyway… I'll see you later?**
Zorun sighed irritably.
*Not until early evening meal. Vejiita's scheduled a full Council meeting.*
The little zn'hre nodded pensively.
**Would you come to the palace to eat?**
Zorun hesitated; Ti'aasaan kissed him lightly.
**Your children will be there…**
Zorun sighed, then managed a small smile.
*In that case… I will see you when I get off duty.*
Ti'aasaan hugged him tightly, then sat up, tugging at the Saiyan's hand.
"If we get up now, we'll still have time for a quick first meal…"
Zorun stood at the Saiya-jin-no-Ou's back, as ever, in the seasoned warrior's stance, poised for action and alert to danger, listening to the meeting with half an ear. Standard Empire business - the results of some tricky trade negotiations, several races petitioning for membership, pleas for military help from member worlds suffering hostile incursions or local wars, a special report from Zaisan detailing progress (lack of it, rather) towards the eradication of the Warui-jin, and another from the team researching into the zhaneer…
The entire council was assembled, with Kobis and 'haabron, Buahan and Peyaru also present. Zorun spared Buahan a moment's attention: the princess was listening attentively, though quite how much of it made sense to her was somewhat questionable, in his opinion.
The first part of the meeting dragged to a close: Vejiita dismissed his Guard for the mid day meal, and Zorun made his way through the chill air to the Guard messhall, meeting Hijau as he arrived. The captain grinned.
"Want to join me?"
Zorun hesitated.
"Zha'haarak…"
"… isn't coming today, he's looking after all the brats."
"In that case, yes. Thank you."
Hijau watched the King's Guard as they ate, frowning pensively. Zorun rested his chin on his fist and gazed back.
"What is it?"
Hijau shook his head.
*You've changed.*
Zorun blinked, then sighed. Of course Hijau would *know* - they did share a bond after all.
*For the better, I trust?*
The captain nodded, slowly.
*Hn. Yes…*
*But…?*
Hijau tugged at a lock of his mane.
*I… don't know. You're a lot calmer. But… is it going to last?* He lowered his eyes. *I don't want you hurt again.*
Touched by the admission, and the profound affection that prompted it, Zorun laid a hand over Hijau's forearm.
*I won't be. Tia-chan won't hurt me.*
*What if he leaves?*
Zorun shrugged.
*Then he will leave.*
*And you will be hurt.*
Zorun sighed and shook his head.
*Aijin, I don't want him to leave. But if he does, it will be done kindly, with the minimum of pain.* He smiled fondly. *The little lizard is loving and compassionate. It takes some getting used to!*
Hijau chuckled.
*Heh, yes…* He sobered. *Are you certain, aijin?*
Zorun growled irritably.
*Yes, I'm certain. And things are different now. I feel… I have a refuge of a sort, in the family.*
*Always! You know you are always welcome.*
And the King's Guard nodded, finally believing it.
*I know. And should it prove necessary I will avail myself of it.*
Hijau inclined his head, knowing full well that Zorun would only do so if he had no other choice. But at least he now *knew* he was welcome…
Zorun accompanied Zha'haabron back to the suite once the meeting had finally finished. The zn'hre king was as cordial as ever, commenting on Kinu and Kuri's development, and Za'jau's bond with the Saiyan's firstborn - which pleased everyone - and dryly uttering a few pithy observations about some of the subjects discussed in Council that day. Before he knew it Zorun was being saluted by Jahonda, on guard duty outside the main door, and ushered into the suite…
… where he was immediately leapt upon by his two sons, Kinu cuddling against his chest while Kuri smirked and perched happily in the crook of his arm. And, not to be outdone, 'jau hovered before him, grinning as his tail wrapped around Kinu's.
"'lo, Kinupapa!"
Zorun smirked at the little hybrid, peripherally aware of Ti'aasaan's bright eyes and beaming smile, then gazed around the room, his heart suddenly clenching at the happiness here. He tried to tell himself he was a Saiyan warrior and should be unmoved by all this… domestic bliss, but failed. And that was, he realised abruptly, as it should be. The bonds of blood and mind and *heart* within the family made them strong, so strong, enduring - and willing to kill to protect each other.
He refused to let his own family memories blight that recognition.
Zh'leet grinned and gestured him to be seated as she brought through the first of the platters. Zorun settled himself and his children, smiling over his shoulder as Ti'aasaan lightly kissed the nape of his neck then sat beside him, gathering 'jau into his arms and tickling the hostling with one of his plaits…
He couldn't sleep.
Oh, not for any reason of discomfort, or anxiety, or any such unpleasantness.
No, sleep eluded him because this was so strange, so unfamiliar…
Zorun, at his own insistence, lay on the outside of the expansive sleeping platform, his back to the screen separating the sleeping area from the rest of the room, Ti'aasaan nestled in his arms, Kinu - with 'jau snuggled into his back - and Kuri cuddled close. The rest of them were settled as hearts' desired, embracing loves and mates and children in one warm united living, loving mass, sleeping and dreaming together, content and gloriously happy. And tonight Zorun was part of it, of them, welcomed into the heart - and *heart* - of the family. It was a little difficult to take in. He'd never felt so safe, so protected, so *loved*, in his life, had never imagined anything like this.
It was wonderful. And there was no way he was going to be able to sleep tonight. He sighed and kissed Ti'aasaan's hair, jumping slightly as a low *chuckle* sounded in his mind. Glancing swiftly around the platform, he caught the glitter of Hijau's eyes where the captain lay holding his zkai'da close.
*All right?*
Zorun grinned in the dimness.
*Oh yes.*
They held each other's gaze for a moment, then Hijau sighed and nuzzled Zha'haarak's hair as his bondmate nestled closer - his movements echoed by Ti'aasaan, who pressed himself even more tightly into Zorun's arms. Hijau smiled at the King's Guard.
*Good. Rest well, even if you can't sleep, aijin…*
"Zk'vissin?"
Zorun sighed, trying to open heavy eyelids at the sound of the little zn'hre's low voice. Ti'aasaan kissed his mouth, very gently.
"I'm sorry, zk'vissin, I would let you sleep on if I could, but I don’t think Vejiita-sama would appreciate it…"
Blinking, Zorun roused slowly, it gradually percolating through his sleep-muzzed mind that despite everything he had actually managed to doze. And his body felt rested, even if his mind was less than alert. He pulled the little zn'hre to him, kissing his neck and jaw.
"Mmm… pity…"
Ti'aasaan chuckled and stroked cool fingertips over the Saiyan's warm face.
"Thank you for staying."
His voice was the lowest murmur, and Zorun pressed a warm finger to his lips.
"I'm glad I did."
He just had time to see the surprised and delighted brightness gleaming in the zn'hre's pale golden eyes before his children pounced...
The Saiya-jin-no-Ou eyed his Guard narrowly, nostrils flaring almost unnoticeably as he scented the big Saiyan. Then he smirked, very slightly.
"Good. Do it more often."
Blinking, taken aback, Zorun hastened after the king, falling into step behind him as Vejiita strode to yet another of the interminable meetings that kept the Empire running.
There were times he regretted his ambitions. But such times were very rare.
Ti'zheenan was pacing, arms wrapped around his narrow chest. Ti'aasaan watched him from his perch on the edge of the sleeping platform, *feeling* the tension in the slender body, worried by the apprehension in the soft golden eyes. Fa'saayen had permission to visit Vejiitasei after the cold season, and Ti'zheenan didn't know what to do. Ti'aasaan sighed.
"Suguri hasn't changed his mind?"
Ti'zheenan shook his head.
"I've tried to talk to him, I really have… But he says he doesn't want to 'share' me… He agrees it's right and fair for Fa'saayen to visit his hostlings, and to see me, but nothing more than that…" He turned suddenly and knelt at the little zn'hre's feet, taking one cool hand in both of his own. "I'm afraid, Tia-chan. Suguri insists on being there when Fa'saayen is present. And I know Fa'saayen wants to see me alone." He bit his lip. "I know he wants me. He wants us to be a family."
Ti'aasaan pulled the trembling zn'hre into a hug, stroking his hair, wanting so much to help and not knowing how. They knew, from 'jiisa's regular communications, that Fa'saayen was at least as stubborn and possessive as a Saiyan - and that he felt cheated. Oh, not by Ti'zheenan - he knew his zk'iinan had done what he thought was best under the circumstances - but by those circumstances themselves. If he'd not been hurt, if he'd been with Ti'zheenan at the Liberation… He was angry, and bitter, 'jiisa had reported, and Ti'aasaan couldn't really blame him. Had things been different he could now be comfortably settled, either here or on R'ren'nkh'ia, with his mate and hostlings, and most probably bonded.
Ti'zheenan pulled back a little, brushing a hand over his brimming eyes, and tried to smile.
"I'm sorry. I should not burden you with this."
Ti'aasaan hissed at him.
"Don't be silly. I only wish I could help."
"You do, by listening..." Ti'zheenan sighed. "I should be looking forward to his visit. I should be as excited as the hostlings - they can't wait to meet their sire. Instead I'm dreading it, dreading how they'll react to each other."
"Do you want anyone there? Me? Zha'haarak? Hi'ijaa?" He smirked wryly. "To arbitrate, if nothing else."
Ti'zheenan managed a watery smile.
"Thank you, but no. They won't do anything to hurt the hostlings. If they're going to fight it'll be in private - and I don't see that I can do anything about that."
"You think it's a possibility?"
"Fa'saayen has learned about challenging a claim."
Ti'aasaan stared. Oh fuck…
"Ah… Perhaps I should tell the Ssii'iin. He won't want anyone getting hurt."
Ti'zheenan swallowed.
"Thank you… They're about equally matched, I think - if it came to a fight they could end up killing each other…"
The little zn'hre winced, then stroked Ti'zheenan's face.
"If it came to it, zk'viss, which would you choose?"
Ti'zheenan stared at him for a moment, fresh tears tracking down his cheeks, then buried his face in his hands.
"I don't know!" he wailed quietly. "The thought of losing either of them makes me feel ill."
"But you haven't physically met with Fa'saayen for years! And you're not bonded."
Ti'zheenan bit his lip.
"I know."
"You might feel differently once you all meet again."
The miserable zn'hre nodded slowly, but Ti'aasaan could tell from his expression he doubted it. Ti'zheenan took a deep breath and forced a smile.
"But I haven't asked you how you are…?"
The little zn'hre managed to smile back.
"Well, thank you. All is well."
Ti'zheenan had enough to worry about without Ti'aasaan adding to his problems.
Jeice sought him out, later, as he idled by a deep still pool in the palace grounds, Sasa discreetly hidden behind a fragrant flowering shrub but keeping a sharp eye - and nose - out for danger. The hash'shavven dropped down to sit beside him, watching his reflection on the water silently for a minute or two before reaching for his hand.
*Hasshkaen, how may I help?*
Ti'aasaan slowly turned to face him, eyes desolate.
**I don't know that you can, zk'vissin. I don't know that anyone can**
*Tell me anyway.*
Ti'aasaan's head drooped, and for a moment he thought the little zn'hre would refuse to talk to him. Then pale golden eyes sought his.
**I don't belong, Ja'isuu**
Jeice blinked, then frowned, trying to *feel* just what Ti'aasaan meant. The little zn'hre sighed and eyed him helplessly.
**I mean - I feel as though I exist to be blown by the desert winds, never coming to rest, never belonging to anywhere or anyone…**
Jeice inclined his head, suddenly understanding what his companion meant. In one respect Ti'aasaan had not had an easy time of it, unable to settle, the multiple instinctive bonds he'd formed making him more than usually sensitive to *undercurrents* in the family and leaving him… off balance.
**I didn't intend to leave Jagung - and I still love him deeply… But Zorun *called* to me and I had no choice but to answer…**
*Are you happy with him?*
Ti'aasaan hesitated, then shook his head.
**Happy? No. I need and *need* him, as he does me, and something in me is perfectly fulfilled, perfectly content, now we are together. But happy…?** He sighed and managed a half-hearted, humourless grin. **It's completely different to my feelings for Jagung, for Rad-chan, for 'bron, for Zha-chan - as my feelings for each of them differ one from the other…** He rubbed at his eyes, then gazed at the hash'shavven. **I don't understand it. No-one else is like this, everyone else has their zkai'daa - what's wrong with me?**
Jeice held him close.
*Nothing that I can *see*. You are a treasure and a comfort to those with whom you bond, and perhaps that's your purpose in life.*
Ti'aasaan stared at him, then pulled out of his arms with a hiss.
**I don't want that! All I want is someone to belong to, a place to be home, a shape of my own** He closed his eyes, shoulders slumping. **That sounds so selfish. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful family, and I'm asking for more**
*There's a difference between the root and the heights, hasshkaen. At the moment you are being shaped by things outside yourself, rather than from within, and that troubles you. As it would trouble anyone.* He sighed. *I think, little one, that you may perhaps have to endure it for the time being, until we find an answer.*
Ti'aasaan nodded.
**I had already come to that conclusion. But I don't have to like it**
Jeice kissed his cool cheek.
*Come to me at any time. I will always listen, always soothe insofar as I am able.*
The little zn'hre sighed deeply and half-smiled.
**Thank you...**
The mood in the council chamber was tense. The Karilun were creeping ever closer to Zaisan - and hence ever closer to Vejiitasei - and they were still no closer to finding the Warui-jin homeworld. Vejiita was frustrated, the rest of the Council was frustrated, and there was nothing they could do about it…
The ebb and flow of emotions swirling around the council chamber were disorientating. Zorun took himself off to one of the palace eateries once he was dismissed, ordering a large meal to try to calm his irritation and feeling of helplessness. It was a while before he realised that someone was staring at him.
He frowned. He didn't recognise the… Thinker? The male's scent was overlaid with the odd mix of metal and dust that the library seemed to generate, although he didn't have that somehow calm and pensive expression that usually marked one of the academics. What was he doing here?
Zorun found out moments later as Tomorokoshi, his expression a lop-sided and thoroughly nasty leer, sat down at the opposite side of the table. Zorun snarled.
"What the fuck do you…"
Tomorokoshi growled at him
"Shut up. Shut the fuck up and look." Before Zorun could hit him, he flung down a file - a file with Piturun's image on the front.
It hit Zorun like a blast to the stomach. Paling to white, his hands shaking, he reached for the file, opening it, reading what lay within…
... Ti'aasaan froze, the breath *knocked* from his slight body as he *felt* the agony that ripped through Zorun. And in one unending nightmare second he *knew* what had happened, all those years ago, on Hamaki…
Shaking, his eyes brimming, he managed to tell the frightened Zha'haarak not to worry, he could deal with this, then hurried from the suite, fear making him stumble as he hastened down to Mahrayne and Kelapa's rooms. The Hassinan answered his frenzied knock on the door, bewildered as he pushed past her to gaze helplessly at the Saiyan.
"Kel-san - Zorun knows…"
He barely had time to register her shocked, white and frightened face before turning and racing for the nearest window, fully aware of Zorun's blind, frenzied flight towards the outskirts of the city.
It hurt. He thought he'd been hurt before, but that was nothing compared to this. Piturun, his partner, his bondmate, had betrayed him. And that… that… female had never told him…
There would have been a child. His bondmate would have had a child, a little part of him… All the love, the fierce possessiveness he'd never been able to admit to, everything he'd felt for Piturun, his world, his life, burned in his chest like acid, overlaid with a vast dark hatred for Kelapa that nearly blinded him.
He killed Tomorokoshi where he sat, not waiting to hear what the kusoyaro wanted, ignoring the frightened cries of the others in the eatery, then smashed through the wall in a desperate attempt to outfly the pain. Moments later, ki a flaring purple corona around him, he dropped from the frosty sky, not caring where he landed.
Ti'aasaan found him, on his knees by the lake in the wood, arms tight around his body, staring at nothing as tears streamed down his face, breath coming in shallow, agonised pants as though his ribs were broken. His own eyes brimming, the little zn'hre held the Saiyan with all his strength, *reaching* out…
… and *meshing*…
… *bonding*…
… taking Zorun's pain into himself, sobbing, sharing the unspeakable grief as Zorun clutched him, bones creaking in the Saiyan's ferocious, desperate embrace.
*… 'turun…*
Ti'aasaan tightened his hold, gritting his teeth as he felt something crack across his chest - then Zorun was tearing at him, ripping off the fur bodysuit and shoving him onto his back on the freezing moss, ramming into him viciously, ignoring the pain of the barbs in the far greater pain of the past.
Ti'aasaan closed his eyes and tried to relax, the Saiyan's heavy body a dead weight over his own slight frame, strong nails digging at his flesh as Zorun pounded into him, teeth drawing blood as the warrior bit his shoulders and upper arms. By the time Zorun came, head back as a howling scream ripped from his throat, the little zn'hre was only half-conscious, bruised and bleeding, his body one huge ache…
Someone was calling him.
*Ti… Ti'aasaan…? Little one?...*
He blinked dazedly up into Zorun's white, worried face.
**… 'm… all right… Zo-chan…**
The Saiyan eased himself from the shivering body, ignoring his own injuries and gathering Ti'aasaan carefully into his arms, wincing as the zn'hre whimpered when broken ribs grated together.
*Oh gods… Ti'aasaan… what have I done?...*
Limp and hurting, Ti'aasaan tried to smile.
**… not your fault…**
Cradling his bondmate close, managing a ki-shield to warm the cold body in his arms, he buried his face in soft pale hair. Then froze.
No, he didn't want that… had never intended… oh fuck…
Ti'aasaan gazed up at him, eyelids fluttering as he struggled to stay conscious.
**… sorry… didn't… know it would… happen…** He flinched, a hand pressing over his belly - then stared up at the Saiyan, eyes huge.
**But… 's not possible…**
Eyes wide with dread, Zorun very gently laid his own hand over Ti'aasaan's. And there, glowing faintly within, was a tiny spark of ki…
The family had *felt* what happened, of course: Radittsu and Zha'haabron were waiting at the medlab when Zorun, the semi-conscious Ti'aasaan cradled protectively in his arms, landed, very gently lying his burden on the diagnostic bed and stepping back to leave Vinas space to examine the little zn'hre. Stepping back into Radittsu's embrace as the big Saiyan wrapped strong arms around broad shoulders.
*Aijin?*
Zorun was shaking, with grief, guilt, self-loathing and fear.
*What have I done, 'dittsu?...*
Radittsu hugged him.
*Let's let Vinas check the damage, shall we?*
*But I… I…* he couldn't bring himself to say it. The bigger warrior sighed.
*We know. We also know Tia-chan doesn't blame you.* He glanced worriedly at Zha'haabron, who was already blaming himself for not taking action to prevent this happening - though what he thought he could have done was a mystery to Radittsu…
Tears gleamed along Zorun's lashes.
*I hurt him… how could I do that? How could I hurt my Ti'aasaan?*
*You were hurting, yourself…*
Zorun glanced over his shoulder, swallowing hard.
*That is no excuse.*
Radittsu's eyes focussed on Vinas, who pulled himself upright and gazed at the waiting family. *But it is reason enough for forgiveness… aijin, you don't have the luxury or time for self-hatred. Tia-chan is going to need care and attention and a lot of support.*
Zorun's head snapped back, to see Vinas place a gentle hand over the little zn'hre's belly and nod. Radittsu felt the shudder that went through the big male.
It was true. It shouldn't be possible - but somehow, in the violence and pain of their coupling, Ti'aasaan had conceived.
© 2003 May 30th Joules Taylor
