For RB. Sorry it took so long!
We had been together for three weeks, keeping out of sight of Lusitanian forces, skulking in shadows, hiding from the enemy, learning how things lay with them…
Such behaviour seemed cowardly to me, and I said as much one evening over a midday meal of fish fresh from the small snow-fed river near which we had camped. Arislan nodded sombrely, innocent eyes wide.
"It seems so to me, also, Narsus."
Narsus sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. He looked tired. It occurred to me, with a faint pang of alarm, that he had looked tired for several days now.
Then again, the life we were leading was hardly conducive to the comfort he had been used to, even in his house in the woods.
"Highness, while I understand that you wish to have your own realm returned to you, at present we are but four - and one of those an untrained youth… No, Elam," he raised a hand to silence his young servant's angry protest. "With the bow you are skilled, but you are not a soldier. Not yet. The time may come when it is necessary for you to bear arms in the service of your king, but for now you must be content to learn of Daryun."
Elam glanced disconsolately at me, and I nodded. The boy was enthusiastic, but somewhat clumsy, and he lacked the strength to wield a sword - even a light one. He sighed and gazed at his master, pouting a little. Narsus ruffled his hair.
"Patience, Elam. Do not be so eager to learn how to deal death. It will come all too soon."
Later that day the storm that had been growling at our heels for two days finally erupted over the land, and we fled before it, drenched, our horses hooves splashing mud shoulder-high as we sought some sort of shelter. We'd finally fetched up in the lea of a high boulder encircled by trees, and cowered there for several hours, cold and wet and miserable…
We set off during a break in the weather - well, not so much a break as a lessening of its fury - and purely by chance found a long-abandoned farm, the main dwelling burned to nothing more than two blackened walls, but one of the sheds was still, mostly, intact: in any event, it had a roof and almost four walls and would serve to keep the rain from us until this pestilential storm had ceased.
And we needed the shelter. Narsus was struggling not to cough, and his breathing did not sound normal to me - and much as I would like to do so, I could not put the brightness of his eyes down to the pleasure of my company. I caught him as he dismounted and almost fell: he was soaked through, as we all were, but there was something else... He jerked away from me, and I bowed my head.
"Your pardon, my lord."
He glared at me for a moment, then sighed, his shoulders slumping.
"No, your pardon, Daryun. Forgive me, this weather would try the patience of a stoic…"
I smiled.
"Let me see to the horses, Narsus. You rest inside. Not the most elegant of lodgings, but it will have to suffice."
He would have objected, but I laid a finger - greatly daring, I confess it - across his lips and shook my head.
"That's only fair, my lord. You had precious little sleep last night, and hunted for us at midday."
He eyed me for a moment, searching for any sign of duplicity, then nodded a little reluctantly.
"I admit I am… tired. Thank you, Daryun." He made to turn, then glanced back over his shoulder. "If you are sure…"
I scowled, managing to put a touch of indignation into my voice.
"My lord, I think I am capable of hobbling four horses without too much difficulty."
He raised his hands and entered the ramshackle shelter without another word. Which was just as well, because I do not think I could have kept my concern from my face any longer.
His lips had been dry, and far too hot.
I swiftly unsaddled the horses, slackening their bridles and hobbling them loosely in a paddock with a large pool of water and a rough shelter under a stand of small trees. Thankfully there was plenty of young grass, which saved me having to forage: every nerve in my body was urging me to get under shelter, make sure my lord was safe...
There was a covered well at the rear of what was left of the farm, sweet smelling, fresh and clean tasting. I drew a bottleful and hastened back to our shelter just as the storm began again in earnest.
Elam had built a small fire, and he and Arislan had stripped down to breechclouts, sitting as close to the fire as they could without singeing the blanket they had wrapped around themselves. Behind them, slumped on the ground, was Narsus, still in dripping clothes, one hand pressed to his chest, head bowed. Not wishing to alarm the boys, I handed them the bottle of wine I had retrieved from my saddlebag, warning them it was for all of us to share and not to be greedy, then quietly knelt at my lord's side.
"Narsus?"
His head came up slowly, his face flushed, eyes far too bright. I bit my lip and pressed a hand to his forehead, wincing at the heat, and kept my voice as low as I could.
"My lord, you are ill. You must take off these wet clothes…"
He shivered.
"Cold…"
"And you will feel colder still unless you strip. Come, I'll help…"
He pulled weakly away from my hands.
"I do not need your help…"
I nodded, refusing to feel hurt.
"Very well. I will make somewhere for you to rest while you undress."
Ignoring his angry glare, I began to gather straw from the back of the building - mercifully still dry and relatively sweet-smelling, and seemingly free of vermin. Tucking one of our blankets around the makeshift bed and lying another over the top, I turned to see that he had hardly moved. I frowned.
"My lord, please. We cannot afford to have our strategist and counsellor out of action. You must allow me to help you."
"And when did you become a physician?" His tone was irritable, but he did not object when I reached to help him disrobe.
Underneath the sodden material he was shivering, his skin pale but flushed and hot to the touch. Resisting the urge to drag him into my arms, I ushered him to the pitiful couch and pushed him down onto it, pulling the blanket up over his body as he curled into a ball…
He was still shivering. I dragged our spare cloaks from our packs and laid them on top of the blanket, frowning down at him. He peered up at me through a tangle of damp hair.
"Daryun, you are wet too."
I blinked: he was quite right. I'd forgotten my own condition in my haste to see to his comfort. I bowed my head.
"I trust you will excuse me, my lord."
His eyes closed as he pulled his head under the rough covers, and I moved closer to the fire, draping our clothing wherever I could between it and the jagged opening where the door and part of the wall had once been. It would act as a partial barrier to the wind that even now was gusting around the building, while the fire dried out the material...
Arislan and Elam had drunk half of the wine by the time I hunkered down by the fire. The prince gazed at me curiously.
"Daryun, shouldn't you wrap a blanket around yourself? It's not very warm in here."
I forced a smile.
"Soldiers are tough, your highness."
He glanced over his shoulder towards the makeshift bed, then back at me, understanding in his eyes.
"Ah. I see."
He was silent for a moment, Elam's arm around his waist and head on his shoulder, eyes drooping: it would appear that Narsus had not allowed his young servant to accustom himself to the effects of wine.
"Is Lord Narsus alright?"
I frowned.
"Why do you ask, your highness?"
"He's been… tired. And not himself, these last four days."
I should have known he would notice. The prince would make a compassionate and caring king - if our impossible dream was ever realised and we could place him in his rightful position on the throne of Parse...
I tried to make light of it, knowing that Narsus would be angry if he woke recovered tomorrow and Arislan treated him with anything other than his customary courteous respect.
"He is not used to such a rough life, highness…"
"Neither am I, Daryun, and I am perfectly well."
I hesitated, then sighed.
"He is… a little unwell, highness. A slight chill from the weather, perhaps."
Arislan handed over the wine bottle with a smile.
"Then had you not best tend to him, Daryun?"
I eyed Elam: the prince chuckled quietly.
"We will keep each other warm. If you need the other blanket, please take it."
I glanced between Narsus and the two youths, torn. My first duty - should be to the prince, but… He raised a hand, smiling, his eyes anything but innocent.
"I am giving you an order, Daryun. Take the other blanket and tend to your… friend."
Hoping that my reddening skin would be attributed to the fire - which, I realised with some surprise, had warmed up the small building quite well - I rose and bowed to him.
"Thank you, your highness. You must wake me if there is need…"
Not that I expected to sleep.
Narsus was dozing as I sat beside him, his breath rasping in his throat. Frowning, I laid a hand against his face. Too hot. Far too hot. And his skin was dry and looked stretched tightly over the bones, his lips beginning to crack.
At my touch his eyelids flickered slowly open.
"Daryun?"
"I'm here, my lord."
"Thirsty…"
I eased an arm behind his shoulders, raising him enough to sip water to cool and ease his throat, then offered wine, which he swallowed eagerly. Slumping against my chest, he shivered again.
"So cold, Daryun. Why do I feel so cold?"
Biting my lip, I pulled him a little more upright and a little further into my arms.
"You are unwell, my lord. You have a fever."
He tried to shake his head.
"I am never ill…"
A sudden rasping cough cut the protestation short, and I offered him more water. He drank - then coughed again, only this time it went on and on… I held him close as his chest heaved, suddenly realising I was frightened. Give me a mortal enemy and I would know what to do, but this… I was no healer. My knowledge stopped at basic battleground medicine.
The coughing fit stopped, and Narsus lay back against me, shivering, panting hoarsely, one elegant hand to his chest.
"You… are so… warm…"
I buried my face in his hair, soft hair that smelt of rain, and swallowed hard.
"Would…" I cleared my throat quietly and tried again. "Would it please you to have me lie beside you, to share my warmth with you?"
He gazed up at me, jade eyes half-closed, face pale except for the wash of feverish colour over high cheekbones, lips parted as he dragged air into his lungs.
"It… would… please me…"
Without loosing my hold I slid under the covers and pulled him as close as I could, his head resting on my chest, my leg over his hip. He sighed and his shivering eased.
"… good… warm…"
His face was hot, but the rest of him felt cool. I stretched to touch as much of him as I could, almost pulling him on top of me. He relaxed against my body, arms wrapping around my chest.
"…thank… you…"
And he was asleep, as quickly and sweetly as a child…
I had what I had longed for this past three years. My beloved in my arms. My senses filled with him, with his scent, the smoothness of his skin, the weight of him against me. He was naked; I could feel his quiescent member resting against my hip. Against my will my own responded, hardening inside the brief wrapping at my groin, and I cursed myself, silently, for my lack of control.
But I had missed him so much…
I rubbed my cheek very lightly against his hair, arms cradling him gently. I had never thought to have this again…
And I may still not, once he is himself again.
I felt tears threaten at the thought, and bit my lip angrily. I am his to do with as he wills. If that means his discarding me once the fever has broken, then so be it. In the meantime, this - this gentle protective embrace - would suffice. And I will memorise it against the day he turns from me.
I was woken from a light doze by Narsus shifting uneasily in my arms.
"Love? What is it?"
He tried to push himself upright, clawing at his throat. I pulled myself to sit cross-legged and held him in my arms, rubbing at his back as he struggled to breathe.
Gods, he was so hot…
He was gasping, eyes frightened. And fear chilled my stomach. I didn't know what to do.
Then he started coughing, hoarse, rasping coughs that went on and on, hardly allowing him time to draw breath.
I had never felt so helpless. He lay against me, his body wracked, shaking with the force of the coughing fit, and there was nothing I could do.
I feared for his life. Selflessly as well as selfishly, as unable to bear the thought of his absence forever as I was to have him lose the joy he took in life...
And finally the coughing faltered, then stopped. His head rolled back, lovely eyes dulled, face deathly pale, his lip bleeding where it had cracked. I gathered him to me, kissing his burning forehead, without conscious volition whispering "don't leave me - please don't leave me" over and over again…
And maybe it had some effect. At any rate, he nestled more closely against me, a slight weight in my lap, half-conscious, laboured breath hot against my chest, until an hour before dawn - when I suddenly realised his skin was no longer dry.
He was wet, sweat pouring from him, trickling down his face, his body, pooling below us. And he was shivering again.
I dragged the covers around us, holding him in my lap, my arms wrapping him tightly, unconsciously rocking back and forth. Gods, he felt no bigger or heavier than a child! He clung to me, whimpering, shivering, his teeth clenched to keep them from chattering…
As the sun rose on a watery, storm-washed landscape, his eyes fluttered closed, the fever spent, his body soaked and limp against me… Exhausted. Trusting. Asleep.
I sat upright, holding him close - whispering my thoughts, my feelings, my love, rocking gently, trembling with relief as his temperature returned to normal, his breathing shallow but no longer hoarse - as Arislan woke and slid out from the shared blanket, shivering as the cold air hit his skin. He approached cautiously, eyeing Narsus worriedly.
"Daryun? Is he…?"
I smiled at him, my eyes heavy with exhaustion.
"All will be well, highness. All will be well, now."
He regarded me for a moment - then smiled gently, turned and struggled into dried clothes before heading outside. I gazed down at the face resting against my chest - Narsus, streaked with sweat, hair in rat's tails… I bit back a chuckle at the thought of how he would react to knowing he'd been seen in such a state…
And tears filled my eyes at the thought of it. He was alive to react to it. Oh, I know, I'm a soldier not a healer, it may have been that he was never in any danger anyway. But it had certainly felt so to me.
He stirred, rubbing his face against my chest, then pausing, eyes slowly opening as his senses returned and he understood where he was… He gazed up. I would swear there was fear in his eyes.
"D… Daryun?"
I brushed a fleeting kiss over his forehead.
"Yes, my lord?"
"W… what…?"
"You were ill, my lord. Now you're recovered."
"But…"
Looking down, wanting nothing more than to stay like this forever and recognising the feeling - no matter how deeply desired - as a childish fancy, I held him close, but not so tightly he could not escape if he wanted to, and whispered, risking all,
"Narsus… I would give my life for yours. Please… please forgive me. Forgive the hurt I caused, forgive my thoughtlessness, forgive… oh, forgive me for being me… If I could go back, if I could change the past, I would never let you go…"
He stared at me, lips parted, bewildered, limp and weak in my arms. Then rousing himself with an effort, he lifted his hands to my face, the ghost of a smile on his lips. His voice was the quietest murmur.
"How should I forgive you for being you? That would be to deny myself." He swallowed, licking sore lips. "Daryun, long ago in another life I tried to tell you you had enslaved me, owned me, made me yours. I was bitter, my soldier, my lover, when you chose the mad king over me. Irrationally so. I tried to tell myself so, and at the same time I wanted you back… I was so cold, so lonely, my Daryun, for so long, unsure of where you were, what you were doing - whether you were still alive…" He swallowed and lowered his eyes - to hide tears, I was sure of it. "Whether I was anything to you… Life without you was dark and cold. I would not wish to return to that…"
I didn't bother trying to hide my own tears. They trickled down my face as a huge swelling warmth within me threatened to choke me. Trembling, I gently pulled him closer, whispering,
"May I come back to you, my lord? Older and wiser and wanting nothing more than to be yours?"
For a moment he stared at me, beautiful eyes brimming - then wrapped his arms weakly around my neck, murmuring,
"I have wanted nothing else for three long, weary years… Beloved… Please, please come home…"